Saturday, 27 November 2010

LR: Zeroes and Ones will take you there

So I’ve been experimenting with internet dating as I have trouble in clubs as I have bad hearing, so talking to people – even in pubs – is a problem for me. Plus by Friday I’m usually too tired to go out, so this is something I can do instead. So I found this girl on okcupid. She looked fairly OK, sounded fun, so I sent her a message. She’s 25, I’m 34. Meanwhile I made sure to pimp out my profile.

On OKC you can use a service where people will rate your photos, similar to hotornot, except all your photos are compared against each other so you know which ones are the hottest. Turns out the pic of me playing guitar and looking intense on a beach in Goa is my best pic. Which matches their research – pics of guys not smiling and looking away from the camera while doing something interesting get the highest rating. So I sent her a message. Here’s a copy of our messages, me in bold, her in italics.

I've included all this detail for people who think they have problems with text game as for me it's pretty straight forward (having fucked it up many times in the past) and I wanted to show how easy it is and how you don't have to use any special tricks really, just keep things warm and progressing in the right direction.

Also, there is more than one occasion in this interaction where it could be said that she flaked on me. But I think a lot of the time people need to realise that most people in London are busy and things can crop up at the last minute, and that if you're calm and keep things moving in the right direction you will still get there eventually.

I also deal with some of the sex issues that I've been having recently and end up having a great sex session with her having a massive orgasm.

So, back to the start:

Hi, I saw your profile and you look quite interesting. I like the bit about remembering random useless information. That's something that I do too! Hence being good at pub quizzes. Perhaps we should form a team and rinse every pub quiz in town and then run away with the winnings?

Anyway let me know what you're up to and how things are going.

Take it easy.

I do have a weakness for pub quizzes and tea. We could be an unbeatable force.
Things with me are going very nicely thank you for asking. Although I have a terrible cold I now have the beginnings of an incredible home made scarf and have court up on some terrible films.
How are things with you? I like the six things you can't do without [everyone puts "friends, family, music" etc., I put "carpets, unicorns, oxygen" etc.], though surely carpets can be replaced with socks? think about it.x

Sorry to hear about your cold - are you any better now? And I like your idea about socks. Perhaps with your awesome knitting skills you can knit me a pair? ;o)

So how about meeting up to go to a pub quiz one night? Sounds like a plan?

I'm back to full health thanks, though I'm still going to attempt to knit some socks.
I'm always up for a pub quiz. For me it sounds like a perfect plan.x

Cool, I know a good pub quiz that runs on Tuesday evenings - are you free?

I am indeed. Where is this good pub quiz?

It's in a pub in XXXX called The XXXX. It's a cozy little pub by the river with a nice vibe. How about we meet at XXXX tube at around 7.45?

That sounds great. I looked up the pub, it seems really nice. 7.45 at XXXX. My number is XXXX, just incase.x

Cool, my number is XXXX. By the way, what's your name? ;o) XXXX? Mine's XXXX. See you soon.

I'm looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.x

[She leaves a message on my phone saying she can't make it as she has to work late. Now, some people might see this as flaking, I see it as her having to work late]

Hey, got your message but left my phone at home today. Your work sucks! ;o)

Let's do it next week instead then, same deal as before, Tue 2 Nov, 7.45 at XXXX tube.

Thanks for understanding. Same plan but next week. Can't wait.x

Cool. Are you on facebook by the way?

[I wanted to see more pics of her]

I am. I'm XXXX. Only one of me. Feel free to add me.x

Ah snap, [personal info]! I'm XXXX. I'll add you.

All the cool kids have [personal info].x

Very true. Had a good weekend. We had a halloween house party ... cleaning up on Sunday was an effort!

Sounds fun, I love Halloween. See you tomorrow.x

[so we set a date and the convo moved to text]

Hey, hope you’ve been learning your facts!

I already know them. OK which station are we meeting at?

XXXX – give me a call when you get there

Great, see you later

So we meet, and go to the pub quiz. We actually arrive too late to join in, so we just grab some drinks and have a chat. While the quiz is going on I keep getting distracted by the questions so I'll suddenly stop in the middle of the convo and say "Ultravox, Vienna" (one of the answers). I guess this makes for a less than ideal vibe but I could tell that she needed some "getting to know you" time and that not much was going to happen tonight. There was only very minimal kino but we vibed pretty well and had lots in common. Plus she was impressed with my knowledge so things were going in the right direction. Here are the texts after that meeting.

Hey how’s it going? Had fun the other night. By the way, do you have Stranger than Fiction on DVD?

[We had talked about this film as she really liked it and I hadn't seen it, so I thought that would be a good excuse to meet up again]

Hey. Things with me are good thanks. I had a great time on Tuesday. How are you? Oh and of course I have stranger than fiction.x

Hey yeah having a good time went out in Clapham last night, now having a nice relaxing Sat in front of the TV! I reckon we should have an evening watching Stranger than Fiction – what evening do you have free next week?

I had the same type of Saturday after a hectic bonfire night. I agree about stranger than fiction, I think I need to educate you a little :) I think I have Thursday free but have to double check.x

After double checking I only have tomorrow free. I seem to have a very hectic week ahead.x

OK shall we go for tomorrow then? Do you want to go to your place or mine? X

Your place. What time should I come over?x

Shit, better tidy up my room then! Come round for 8.30 I reckon. The address is XXXX but call me when you get to XXXX tube then I can walk you there

Hi, would you mind terribly if we postpone tonight? I just discovered one of my best friends is off to newyork for 6 weeks on Friday. You can choose any day from Sunday. I’ll bring popcorn to make up for it :)

[Would some people see this as flaking again? Perhaps, but I took it at face value. Plus as I've arranged to meet at my place it means I haven't lost any time. And she's keen to make up for it, so she's obviously not playing hard to get]

Hey no worries, just don’t do it again! And you lose 10 points! So I can do Tue or Thu next week, let me know.x

I’m not normally this busy :(

I promise I won’t do it again and will earn those 10 points back. Shall we do next Thursday week?x

Hey how was your weekend? I was in Copenhagen, it was damn expensive!

My weekend was good thankyou. Nothing as exciting as yours though. Are we still on for Thursday. I’m looking forward to it.x

Yep still on for Thurs!x

Great! What type of popcorn do you prefer?x

I like sweet popcorn x

Hey what time are you heading over tonight?

Lost message, confirms time

Yeah sure no probs

Gimme a call when you get to XXXX

So we watch the DVD. While watching it I do very light kino but nothing special. I'm kinda wondering whether it's on or not. After it finishes I simply turn to her and say "C'mere" and start kissing her, which progresses to a heavy make out session (we are in my room watching the DVD on my bed after all). I start escalating things further by trying to take her clothes off. She says that things are going too fast, it's only the second date after all and I can tell this is out of her reality. I play it cool as I know she's mine, just need to pace it right. We continue heavy make out for some time and I can feel she's hot and wet. All the time I'm talking complete filth into her ear, telling her that I want to fuck her hard with my big hard cock, that she's so hot and wet for me, that I'm going to make her come harder than she's ever come before. She's saving herself due to social conditioning, she'll give herself to me next time. As we leave we arrange to meet on Sunday.

Hola chica! Hope you’re having a weekend of total awesomeness. What time are you coming round tonight & do you wanna eat?

I didn’t think you wanted to meet tonight. You last only said maybe.

[That's not what I remember, but clearly for whatever reason there's been some miscommunication. Flaking again? No, just a mistake. Just have to deal with the situation as it is.]

Oh I thought I did. Do you wanna come?

I did but made other plans when I though it wasn’t happening :(

Doh! Ok how about Thurs?

Thursday could be good :)

OK make a note in your diary, Thursday: it’s on like donkey kong!

How cold is it today?! Just spoke to a friend in Dubai, he’s in a swimming pool the bastard!

I’m liking the freshness :)

Just got myself a new job. Yay!

[These last few texts are all true by the way, and good excuses to keep things warm.]

Well done!x

Do you want to come over for food? If so get here for 7.30 / 8

Will do

Cool. Bring some wine!

So she comes over to mine again, and we're on the bed again watching DVDs. She's into sci-fi and she's never seen Doctor Who which I'm a big fan of, so I show her the first two episodes from when the series restarted in 2005.

Again there's not loads of kino during the DVD, and I doubt myself occasionally while we're watching. But after the second episode I pause it and we go back to making out.


So the clothes slowly come off and she's getting excited. I'm hard so I get a condom out but by the time I'm ready to put it on I've gone soft again. She tries to suck me off but that doesn't help either, so I tell her to stop and we go back to normal heavy make out. I've read up on this problem as I've had it before and I know that I just need to relax and take things slowly. I help myself by focussing on my breathing and taking long, deep breaths through my nose.

My hands start to wonder and after a while I'm slowly fingering her and rubbing her clit with her pussy juices. She's moaning and breathing heavy and I get hard again. I strap on a condom and slide my cock into her hot, wet pussy. We start fucking nice and slow and slowly build up the tempo. All the time I'm talking absolute filth into her ear, telling her how hot and wet she is for me, how she loves having my big hard cock inside her (incidentally my cock is average size, but I tell chicks this anyway and they love it) and a few things I've never said to a girl before, like her pussy is mine and she only wants my cock in her. Cheeky stuff I know! So we're getting harder and faster and I'm grabbing her and pushing her around and she's loving it. She's saying "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me hard" when she can get a word out as she's finding it hard to speak.

As well as getting hard I've had problems lasting long, and thankfully I last longer than my normal few minutes, but not much longer. As I climax I get quite vocal and she reciprocates and she has a massive orgasm shortly after I come. I'm still inside her and moving slowly, she says something but I can't hear it as she can't speak for coming! Then she finally gets the words out: "Stop moving" lol. I do, and she continues her orgasm, unable to move or speak.


After a few minutes she calms down. The first thing she says afterwards is "I'm speechless" which, as she's normally quite a sparky, sarcastic girl says a lot. She takes her time to recover and we hug and cuddle. I feel good inside.

Looks like a good future with this one.

The two main points from this:

- Flaking sometimes isn't flaking, just keep things moving in the right direction
- I've managed to pretty much solve my sex problems which is a great relief for me

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Stephen Fry and female sexuality

OK so I haven’t posted in a long time. Mainly because I haven’t been laid in a while. More about that later. But in the meantime I wanted to post some commentary.

Stephen Fry has been in hot, or perhaps luke-warm, water recently because he joked that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men.

Naturally he was criticised as since he is a gay man, how could he know what sexual experience is like for women? Although he has had sex with one woman according to his autobiography, that still isn’t much to go on.

They have a point. But I can totally understand why he said what he did. For two reasons. Firstly, for a wide variety of reasons both social and biological, it is against a woman’s best interests to go around publically expressing her sexual desires without inhibition. We can talk a long time about why this is so, but a quick way to explain this is: would a high-status, attractive man who does well with women want to have sex with a woman that was known to be a slut? If she was very hot then probably yes, but 99% of the time the answer would be no.

Secondly, we have to understand the perspective that Stephen Fry is coming from. He’s a gay man, obviously, and the male gay community is, generally, very promiscuous. Thinking about male-female sexual behaviours, the general consensus is that guys want to fuck as many people as possible, and girls want to be seen to be classy, hard to get, looking for the special man etc. This is a cliché and not 100% true all of the time but we are all aware of the social norms.

Now imagine that you took women out of this equation and men just had sex with other men. As gay people do. What you have is promiscuous people chasing other promiscuous people. It’s like promiscuity squared. That’s a lot of promiscuity and a lot of sex. Just go to the toilets of any gay club. Actually don’t. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, fill your boots.

Another factor of Stephen Fry’s context is that he lives in the world of comedy, and if you look at the narratives that run through the majority of comedic routines about male-female relations, they often talk about how horny men are, how hard it is to get laid, and how their wives / girlfriends don’t enjoy sex, for a kind of sympathy oh-it-happens-to-me-too kind of laugh. If you were a gay man with little knowledge of female sexuality you might get the wrong impression – although I’m sure this impression is true for a large section of society, unfortunately.

So from Stephen Fry’s perspective you have gay male society, which is full of a truck load of sex, and then straight society, which is full of some sex but less in comparison. What’s the differing factor between the two? Women. So it appears to a gay man – and appearance is the important word here – that women don’t like sex as much as gay men.

But as I mentioned this is an appearance. There are various social factors that mean that women don’t appear to enjoy sex as much as men, or don’t feel they can express themselves that way. And no doubt some women are like that in reality. Ann Widdicombe springs to mind, and I wish she wouldn’t.

But it’s not true. Frankly there is one phrase that easily counteracts the “women don’t like sex” argument in a stroke: Multiple orgasms. That alone should end the argument.

The times in the past when I’ve been fucking my girlfriends and after the session, she’s practically passed out on the bed, unable to move, legs twitching, because I’ve fucked her so hard and she’s came so hard and so many times, how could you ever think that women don’t enjoy sex?

Now I’ve seen statistics that say that only a small percentage of women experience multiple orgasms, and that’s a depressing thought. Hopefully we are doing all we can to rectify that! But it is possible and I will always hate god for not letting us men have them too.

But I have luckily known a number of women who privately, as friends, have been open about their sexuality and what they think and feel, and there is no doubt that they enjoy sex as much, if not more, than men. They want the good looking guys. They want the confident, social guys. They want the guys with the big cocks (but not too big as that can hurt, so I've been told). When they have sex, they want to have it again, they want it more. They get horny. They go out and have one night stands, though perhaps they don’t talk about it as much as guys do.

And yes they want to settle down and they like romance and all that, but just because they want all the extra stuff it doesn’t mean they don’t want the sex too.

So unfortunately you’d have to say that Stephen Fry is wrong and that you can understand why he is wrong. It is what it is. But he’s gone off in a huff and perhaps he shouldn’t be such a big gay.


Sunday, 1 August 2010

Look Around You

Well I've had a big kick up the butt recently. At the start of the year I was on a roll, with four lays including two in two days. And then things petered out a bit as I was travelling and for some reason was constantly low energy probably through not getting enough sleep. But it meant that I didn't get any more lays, although there were a few chances that I missed for various reasons.

Then I return home and I have a new flatmate who is a cool guy and a good friend, tall, good looking, and an unrefined natural who has two regular fuck buddies and picks up the other occasional chick here and there too. Anyway, this guy set my jealousy alarms off and I knew I had to give myself a kick up the butt to do something about my situation. I knew I had to put the effort in because frankly that's the only way you can become good at this.

So I've been contacting a few people on the LSS and have been finding new wings (I do have some old wings but I think I need a breath of fresh air as it were, plus people who are better than me rather than the same or worse so I can improve).

So I met up with Leo and Gianni on Thursday and we had some fun getting back into the swing of things and practicing opening, though not with many results, just experience. I also saw Robert Popper on the street, and I'd be surprised if anyone knows who he is. He called me a stalker on Twitter. But it was good fun and good practice and I look forward to going out with those guys again.

Then on Saturday I met up with Andres and two of his friends to do a day game bootcamp. I was feeling a little spaced out and tired which is strange, as although I usually smoke a lot of weed I hadn't for a week, but anyway these things happen. I also wanted to do day game as I had tried it on my own before and found it really hard and depressing, and I knew I wanted to break through that mental barrier and hopefully improve.

Andres is a very straightforward kind of guy with some basic, sensible, practical information on how and what to do. He is German after all. We had a briefing session where he talked through the main points to focus on when opening in day game. I didn't find him patronising or insincere like I have with some other trainers that I have met in the past. I made sure I had a completely clear mind, mainly as it helps me ignore any anxiety I might have, but also I knew I had to put my trust in both his instruction and the learning process to learn, gain the experience and improve.

Once the briefing was over we went out and practiced stopping girls in the street. I wasn't very good at first and it took me a few goes to get the right timing and movement to successfully stop the girls. There were a few girls who I completely shocked which was a bit funny! I felt sorry for them as it can't be great being surprised like that. Luckily they didn't think I was a psycho or anything.

Anyway after a few goes I was getting the hang of stopping them and saying my opener. Oh yeah, I had never really given a direct opener before and I always had problems with it as often I thought it would come across as insincere (I know, it sounds strange to say that now). So without thinking about it on the day I forgot my anxiety and I was saying my direct openers and to be honest, totally against my expectations almost all the girls were really open to it. I then found myself running out of things to say a few times but worked on that a bit and more or less got the hang of that as well.

Then we were in Leicester Square of all places and ended up stopping this short cute chick who I didn't think was that hot from behind but when I spoke to her she had a really cute face. She was really open and friendly and we had a short chat about what she did - she was a translator. So as things were going well I thought I would ask her for her number so I told her we should go out for a drink sometime and got her to put her number in my phone. I then gave her a missed call and parted ways, I think I gave her a hug before she left, I can't remember.

Anyway a few approaches later we were in Trafalgar Square and I ended up stopping this Italian chick who was quite small and had a nice body but average face (I think, she had large shades on). Anyway we got talking and I thought I'd ask her out for a drink by asking her if she liked coffee (being Italian and all). Turns out she didn't but is a big fan of tea. So I teased her by asking if she was actually English in disguise and all that. Anyway I lied and said I knew an excellent tea shop which we should go and visit sometime (I didn't, but now thanks to Google I do! Thank you Google. Thoogle*) so we exchange numbers for that.

Soon afterwards I had to leave to get something to eat before meeting up with an old friend that evening. But it was a good session. I have been texting both girls since then and I'm meeting up with them this coming week. I still need some refinement in my technique but the basics are already there. I need to see if I can do it on my own which will be a challenge but I need to make that next step. I have to make the effort after all. One thing I want to do is practice opening girls in my lunch break. I find the idea really hard, but how hard can it be? Let's find out.

So in review then for Serdna I think he's a pretty good coach and pretty cheap so I would recommend anyone who wants to get good at day game to give him a try.

A few thoughts from the day:

- Put in the effort
- Be open-minded and trust in the process
- Challenge yourself

* It's an obscure reference.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

LR: What She Asked of Me at the End of the Night, Caligula Would Have Blushed

It was actually the day after carnaval ended and the Aussies wanted to see the Flamengo versus Botafoga game at the Maracenã stadium but I wasn’t that keen. We couldn’t find tickets anyway and as it happened, it was for the best. We found a sports bar near where we were staying and headed out there. The match was on and simultaneously there was a very good cover band playing 60s and 70s rock songs, highlights being Black Magic Woman and Black by Pearl Jam.

Aussie flatmate, being Aussie, eventually gets talking to two Brazilian chicks who are sitting near us. The other Aussie joins in, while I am distracted by the end of the match and the band. Eventually I remember to join in. At first I make no impression at all and feel like an awkward spare limb, and it’s at times like this in the past that I would have given up and felt shit while I saw others get the action that I wanted, only making things worse.

However now I know that when this happens, it’s not the end, there’s always more of a chance, and the reality is that no one has noticed anyway so it doesn’t matter. All it requires is persistence. So I bide my time and try joining in again and in a short time become part of the conversation.

There is a lot of general chit chat and amusement to be had. When the band plays Jumping Jack Flash I use that as an excuse to shamelessly nick one of Alan Davies improvisations of Mick Jagger dancing as though he was walking through lots of narrow doors. The girl I end up with loves it and tells me that I have a great imagination. Well I do, but she doesn’t need to know any different in this case.


Occasionally I pop out for a smoke and the other Aussie has started up talking to a very hot black-haired Irish bird who is completely wasted. As things progress he focuses on her which leaves me and flatmate Aussie with the two Brazilians.

Frankly I’m not escalating, just taking things easy, and having fun. The girls are into us and that’s cool. And then I notice that Aussie flatmate is holding hands with one of the chicks, and before long, they’re making out. Again it shakes me a little as I’m now the one doing normal conversation while my mate is getting his freak on. I mentally do a few things. Firstly I ignore the insecurity. Then I make sure to maintain the conversation with my girl. Who, frankly, is the hotter of the two. A kind of Greco-Roman looking face and slim, beautiful body. Then I work out how I can sexually escalate. I haven’t done much sexual escalation the whole night. Another insecurity I have and which pops up here is not to copy other people, which is bullshit as it’s restricting my options, so again I ignore this.

In the end I just keep on cracking jokes and making her feel good emotions, and finally I take my chance and go in for the kiss. She goes for it too and it’s all good. She’s a toothy kisser which isn’t my favourite – I like a girl to use her lips almost exclusively – but I go with it. We get hot and heavy and do a bit of light biting which I am becoming a big fan of, and caress her all over with my hands.

It’s all good and we have fun. But she doesn’t allow me to touch her breasts or get anywhere near her pussy, so things are a bit cool. But I caress her breasts with my chest anyway – another favourite trick and one that helps with getting passionate as it uses the whole body – and she loves it.

So the night is drawing to a close and frankly, after all the previous days’ carnaval excesses and illnesses, by the time it gets to 3 a.m. I’m just about ready to die. We all get into Aussie flatmate’s girl’s car and drop off my girl and then drop off me and other Aussie at our hotel. Aussie flatmate and his girl go to a sex hotel and do “pretty much everything” including anal and her rimming him. We have all exchanged emails as a group and I’m still in Rio the next few days so I can meet up with them again soon, and we make plans to. Oh yeah, they weren’t drinking the whole night – they were completely sober (unlike us).

So the next day I thought I had booked another hostel in Rio, and though technically it was in Rio city, it was about an hour’s drive out of the centre and not somewhere I could get to and from easily. So I spent a couple of nights there chilling out and recovering from the excesses from the previous week. Eventually I returned to Rio proper and arranged to meet up with this girl. For a while it didn’t happen – I called her one day and the phone line was so bad I couldn’t hear her at all and I didn’t manage to sort anything.

But via a process of email exchange we eventually met up on the morning of my last day in Rio. I went to her apartment which was a few blocks away from my hostel. Her place was really nice – three bedrooms in the heart of Copacabana, all to herself – and like a true carioca (someone from Rio) he had a small yapper-type dog that got massively overexcited when I arrived. So we met and we kissed – which pissed the dog off – and decided what to do. The beach it was, then.

So she drove me to the beach, not Copacabana but Leblon which is more or less the same but a bit less touristy. As we were driving I was thinking how awesome it was to be in Rio with some hot girl showing me around and experiencing life like a carioca. So we arrived at the beach and basically spent the whole day lounging under a parasol, jumping in the water from time to time, buying drinks and snacks from the vendors walking past, and kissing and caressing each other. The highlight was after we’d been in the sea once, we went to one of the beach showers and both showered under it while we made out big time in front of everyone. I love public displays of affection and luckily so did she. The whole day was an awesomely relaxing experience and at one point I even fell asleep. Rio is a beautiful city and none more so when on the beach. And the people are pretty hot too.

After that we went for a walk around the lake at sunset which was beautiful too, and then went back to the apartment and got naked – her dog had accepted me by now – but the same problem as ever surfaced. While kissing and undressing I’ll get hard, but as soon as the moment of truth arrives nothing happens. She was understanding and we decided to go to dinner instead.

After dinner I took a Cialis pill that the other Aussie had given me on his recommendation. Although I think that was a bit of bad timing as I’d just eaten a whole bunch of food and perhaps it wasn’t most effective taken in that way. Anyway after dinner we went for a walk along the beach and then back to her apartment for more fun and games.


The pill seemed to have some effect as I was able to get hard straight away and we got down to fucking. Though like before I only lasted a short time. I really need to stop wanking and get myself regular sex so I can get used to this shit. She was really funny about it – she said, you’re 33 (she’s 37), this shouldn’t be a problem for you! She has a point, but hey, we all have different challenges in life.

Anyway shortly after that I was ready to go again and gave me a bit of a blow job which was pretty good, even though she was a bit toothy – though thankfully not in a painful way. I then asked her if she wanted me to fuck her and she said I shouldn’t ask, which is of course correct, I should just do it. In fact I had been acting like a fag all day – maybe because she was showing me around and knew what to do, maybe because I was feeling tired and lazy, maybe because I’m a fag – and as a latina girl aged 37 she was very forthright about how she wanted to be treated.

Other examples included her wanting me to tell her what to do while she was giving a blow job, how hard to spank her butt, how she liked to be bitten, how roughly she wanted to be treated while we were having sex – pretty rough though not sadistic levels. Just hard, fast and rough. I’ve never been in a situation where the girl is so dominant before. But, hey, still got laid and that.

But anyway we fucked again and this time I lasted a bit longer and treated her nice and rough. After that we slept. I had to get up at 4 that morning to catch my flight to Ecuador. If I had been able to stay in Rio I’m sure we would have spent the next day fucking – the Cialis made me hard as I was sleeping on the plane!

One other funny thing she said was that she could feel my heart beat through my dick, and when I was about to come she could tell as my heart rate increased. Never heard that one before!


So the good points:

Brazilian flag, baby!
It’s my third lay in South America, and fourth this year (or fifth if you count the English girl I couldn’t fuck because I couldn’t get hard. It was a technical lay, right? Right!)
Spending a day with a hot chick on the beach, and the night in her apartment, is awesome. That sounds like some kind of fantasy I would have never considered possible only a couple of years ago.
I’m getting laid regularly while travelling, another goal of mine
16th lay.
She was into me in a big way, saying I was a cool guy and so on. Nice ego massaging.
I asked her why she found me attractive. She said there’s three ways to a girl’s heart. Money (I thought to myself, check), looks (yep, score on that one too) and humour (I guess). It was because I made her laugh, and was generally a fun guy to be around, that she went with me.

The bad points:

Jesus I’m crap in bed. Not being able to get it up and lasting a short time. Thing is, when I last had a girlfriend I was like that at the start but simply through regular practice both those problems disappeared. I think a combination of too much wanking and not enough regular sex is hindering me in this area. I can’t think of much to do to fix it apart from – get more regular sex, wank less or at least don’t make myself come so quickly, use Viagra or Cialis to help out on the odd occasion. And take Cialis before the meal not after!

I dedicate this lay to Alan Davies.

Carnaval, bitches!

Brazil. Home of the famous approach to topiary. Although they don’t call it that. I can’t remember what they do call it. Though I do know that the translation of “G-string” from Portuguese literally means “dental floss.”

But anyway, I digress. It’s carnaval time, baby, and what that means is spending so much money it hurts, drinking so much it hurts, and seeing so many Brazilians in various stages of undress and dancing to the incessant rhythms of the drums in a sexy way that it, uh, turns you on.

For this part of my journey I met up with two people, one a former Aussie flatmate of mine who has been back in Oz for a few years, the other his friend who I hadn’t met before. Flatmate Aussie is mixed race and therefore looks Brazilian, and is also a former Rugby League player so is built pretty big, although without any definition these days. But he still has an imposing physique. And as you would expect from someone from Australia, is a bit of a natural. He doesn’t always have the best quality – though sometimes he does – but he does have a consistent hit rate. But it’s not so much his physical attributes that serve him well, more his character, which is fun, sociable, occasionally self-depreciating, confident and sexual. I’ve basically nicked about 90% of my game from him.

The other Aussie is your typical rough-around-the-edges, tell-it-like-it-is, beer-drinking, sports-loving Aussie, randy as fuck and he has a good sense of humour. We all get along great and have a good laugh.

We started off in Salvador for carnaval. Salvador is the African heart of Brazil, and its carnaval is the most traditional. There’s different parts and we spent most of our time in the music-focussed part where you have one long route that many floats (called trios) go down. These are set up with massive sound systems, light displays, LED screens and the bands themselves, and they inch their way down the route and belting out the frenetic, intoxicating, drum-led axé music (pronounced a-SHAY). On the sides of the street there are things called camarotes (pronounced ka-ma-ROSH) that have balconies where you can look over the streets, as well as areas behind that contain bars and a nightclub.

Anyway in terms of game for the three nights I was in Salvador I was completely off. Why? Because of context-led behaviour. You see, when Aussie flatmate was actually my flatmate, he was out shagging his way through London town while I was fretting away, still insecure, trying to work out how to put this all together. And so when I was back in his presence, the old me returned and I found it hard to act in the way that I knew could. Having said that, early on the first night I we were all dancing in the nightclub bit and there were at least four hot chicks nearby that no one was doing anything about. I couldn’t let it go and had quick dance with them, though nothing came of it (not sure why).

Later on the Aussies hook up with some Aussie chicks and were very Aussie with them, and I felt myself out on a limb. I was pretty drunk by this stage – did I mention there was a free bar included in the ticket price? – and I was also distracted by how good looking the men were here. Jesus they like to work out a lot too. Plus the music is just great fun.

For the next two nights I was so wasted from the excesses of the first night, plus lack of sleep and food, plus a bit of stomach badness, that I was in no mood to do anything game-wise. I was more concerned about not getting stupidly wasted. Arriving in Rio we were all feeling the pain and for the first night we went to bed really early. The second night wasn’t much better and although we wondered around Copacabana beach for a bit we didn’t really find any happening places and quit pretty early again.

The third night we find out that Ipanema’s the place to be, but when we get there it’s full of gays – as Aussie flatmate said, he’d never seen so many black fags in one place before. It was enough to make your eyes water.

So we quickly ensconced ourselves in an Irish pub that’s showing the Champions League and watch a bit of football. At one point an obnoxious Irish guy joins our table but from him we find out about a big nightclub thing that is happening at a marina in the posh part of town. We sort our shit out and head down there.

Armin van Buuren, a top trance DJ, is playing and the music and the atmosphere is absolutely awesome. There are loads of people on it and despite a couple of attempts to source narcotics we don’t find any, so alcohol it is. Probably for the best, all things considered. For me anyway.

However the women here are HOT HOT HOT!!! This is clearly top class Brazilian society, and the girls reflect that. Like the best that Southern Europe has to offer, mostly dyed blonde. But despite chatting to a few of them, the vast majority simply don’t want to know. Most probably on my part as I was a bit of a mess, hair all over the place and drunk, but there was no shagging or snogging for any of us that night.

So that night was Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday, a.k.a. Shrove Tuesday) and it marked the end of carnaval. No one got laid. BUT, what happened on the next night was a different story.

Friday, 5 February 2010

I'm Going Back to the Start

So I’m back in Buenos Aires. I’m staying at this hostel that has air conditioning, and as a result is a ton better than the last place I stayed, where I was covered in sweat the whole time. And the other good thing about it is that it is a social place, so as Radiohead once correctly said, Meeting People is Easy.

One thing I’ve learnt about travelling in that it pays to say Hi to everyone you meet. I don’t always do this, as there are going to be times when you’re tired, hungover, sick, or possibly all three and frankly can’t be arsed, but you get the idea. I noticed this first when I was in Thailand just over a year ago, and I said Hi to a couple of girls just in passing, thinking nothing of it, and then later on they came up and started talking to me in a bar that evening.

It’s simple, it’s obvious, but a man needs to be told.

So back to Buenos Aires and I can’t remember exactly when it was but sometime before yesterday I was in the lift and a girl got in with me. She was tall, slender, tanned, and fairly pretty although she had a nose like the characters in Avatar – i.e. a bit wide. But still, you would.

I was actually feeling tired at the time, but then I feel tired most of the time, but anyway that’s not the point. I was tired and not feeling great but I managed to get a quick, “Hey, how’s it going?” out. We had a very brief chat and found out we were both from London before she left the lift. I think I may have been able to crack a joke in that time.

One side note is that my humour skills are, like, so hot right now? As well as meeting people – on this trip I have been meeting people and getting on well with them like my life depended on it. The chickens are coming home to roost. I love it.

Anyway I met this girl briefly and that was it. In my unreliable memory I think there might have been a bit of attraction there but, as I found out later, there was massive attraction. It seems like I’m getting more of that too. There was this Swiss girl in Puerto Varas... but that’s another story, hopefully one I can come back to. I will let you know.

So fast forward to last night. I was once again tired as I had to get up at 6.30 to catch a ferry I’d booked so I could go to Uruguay (Homer Simpson: U R GAY) and back in the same day. Was it worth it for the stamp in the passport? Well, probably, yes. Anyway so I’d come back from Uruguay and tried to sleep but couldn’t. It was getting to around going out time and all my roommates were out so I had to find some new friends to molest. I went down to the communal area and stole a Pepsi from the fridge (you’re meant to pay, but no one was checking) and sat down and drank it.

From where I was sitting I listened to the conversations of the people around me and found one table with about 8 English speakers on it. I popped over and said, “Mind if I join you guys?” which is my trademarked, 100% field tested social circle opener (c) me 2010 and no returns. Of course this is travelling and they did. I got talking to some Australian guy who looked like exactly a tanned, older Frodo / Elijah Wood. He was the usual alpha Aussie guy but OK to talk to.

So I hung out with those guys for a bit and they invited me out to join them for dinner at a steak restaurant. So we went to the restaurant and it was only when I got there that I noticed that one of the girls was the Avatar girl from the lift. She was immediately looking at me with a big smile and a grin on her face and I was thinking to myself, why is this getting so fucking ridiculously easy for me right now? I knew it was on then and it was only a matter of logistics.

So we had the meal and then there was talk of going to a club, but we went back to the hostel first to drink rum. So we did that and when we sat down I found that she was next to me. So of course there was top class flirting and teasing and a bit of touching and it was just so on it was untrue.

Eventually we made our way to the club and it was OK but a hip hop night which isn’t my favourite music for clubbing but I can get by with anything really. We entered and went to the bar and the girls went to the loos as they were bursting. We were making jokes about having wee babies. So they left and I sorted out my drink and waited for them to return like we’d arranged. I waited for a while but by the time I’d finished my small can of beer they hadn’t returned, so I went for a wonder around the club.

Eventually Avatar chick tapped me on the shoulder as she noticed me walk past. I turned round and started talking to her and then within about two minutes we were making out. I love making out, I love ravaging the women as I make all their desires about a hot, passionate, sexually confident man some true. They want to be taken and I take them. Kissing, biting, scratching (though not painfully), licking, rubbing, grabbing, squeezing, I put it all in there and they fucking love it. She had a really long tongue as well which was kind of weird but I went with it.

And then we spent the next couple of hours basically making out hardcore and then “going to look for our friends” which we’d lost and moving to another part of the club and doing the same thing. She was quite feisty so loved being dominated. She was also taller than me which was cool as I haven’t kissed many girls that are taller than me. There was one funny bit when one of my favourite songs – Get Busy by Sean Paul – came on so I turned her round, bent her over and started grinding her like I was doing her doggy style, but with clothes on. I started slapping her arse and then some guy standing next to me also started slapping her arse too! Classic.

At another point we were looking for friends from a balcony overlooking the main dancefloor and she was behind me while we were still holding hands. From here I moved to lifting up her dress and rubbing her crotch through her panties while pretending to look. It was our little secret and no one else knew what was going on.

So anyway this went on for a while and then eventually we did find the others and we all kinda decided to go home. We took a cab back to the hostel and we were kinda stuck. There was nowhere to go. I kissed her against the wall and fingered her for a bit. We then found a fire escape but can you guess what happened? Yes I couldn’t get hard so we didn’t fuck. At that point we kinda called it a night. So if it hadn’t been for my performance issues it would have been another lay.

One funny thing she told me was that she kinda considered my “Hey, how’s it going?” opener to be like Joey from Friends’ “How YOU doin’?” line which just goes to show, anything can work. Plus I like totally have the skills and everything. Yeah.

But what’s interesting about this for me is that the attraction was there right from the start, and I didn’t really have to do anything. And apart from her nose – which wasn’t too bad really – she was definitely one of the hottest girls I’ve been with which is a good thing, as I need to get with hotter chicks.

EDIT: It was her last night in South America too. So three of the four girls I've kissed / fucked here have been on their final night, and the fourth was Argentinean.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

LR: Get on the Bus

So another night in Buenos Aires. Before going out I watch the end of Beta House which is so bad it’s good. The Greek Roulette scene is a classic in movie history. I head over to the hostel next door to see what’s happening. It’s a bit quiet but someone asks me for a lighter and I end up talking to a bunch of coked-up Aussies, who despite being a bit energetic, sweating and twitchy are more or less ok. It turns out they’re all going to some club night somewhere and they invite me along. I go to change into trousers and meet them at another hostel. It turns out we have to wait for a bus that will take us there and we hang out in the hostel bar until that happens.

The Aussie guys are cool and they’re all depressingly good looking and tanned as ever. There aren’t many women around at the moment and I just shoot the shit and take it easy. Eventually at 2 am the bus turns up and we all pile on. I’m the last but one to come on and the last person is an American girl who sits in the seat in front of me.

She really reminds me of my friend Claire, who, like this girl, is American, of Jewish extraction, and quite high energy, happy, fun kind of person. We immediately start talking as the bus drives through the streets of Buenos Aires to the club location. I’m not sure why but for some reason I find myself talking about the Falklands War and other points of history and politics which I usually avoid as it’s a kind of energy killer but somehow it’s OK in this situation.

Eventually we get to the club and it’s very large and a bit shit. The music is way too loud and it reminds me of the kind of club you get in places like Gran Canaria or something. But there’s a large outside area where you can sit down and hear yourself above the music, so we go and sit down there. We also lose the rest of the crowd in about 30 seconds. We continue talking and get on like a house on fire. Occasionally one of the group – an English guy also on coke – wonders aimlessly by looking for the others, and we talk to him from time to time as he looks a bit out of sorts.

Again I talk about subjects that I don’t usually – why the legal profession is a bunch of crap, and why what’s doing right for the planet is always going to be wrong for someone, somewhere – again I escape unscathed. However as we talk she tells me that it’s actually her last night in South America – same situation as with the first girl from last night – so logistics are playing into my hands again. And then she drops a great bombshell – as we talk about Argentine society she tells me that a friend of hers told her about the phenomenon of sex hotels. No shit, I say, and get out my camera. I show her the picture of the hotel where I fucked the Argentinean girl yesterday. She notices that the bed is messed up. Yeah I say, and tell her briefly about what happened. I also show her the picture of the girl and she says that she’s pretty.

Finally I see one of the rest of the group and we meet back up with them all. I chat with some of them some more and generally mingle. I end up back talking with this girl again and as sure as day follows night, so the sun also rises and we decided to go home. As we get ready to leave so all the others think it’s a good idea too and all 11 of us head outside for a taxi. I share one with the girl and two English guys

We pass River Plate stadium on the way, which looks massive and beautiful in the morning sun. Eventually we get back to the hostel and we point the coked up English guy in the right direction as he amusingly ambles off in the wrong way. She doesn’t have enough money to pay for her share so she tells me to some back with her to her hotel so she can pay me. So we get back into the cab and head over to hers. (She is staying in a 5 star hotel as she was due to go home the day before but got bumped off the plane, so the airline put her up in this swanky place for the night). She wants it.

So we go to her hotel and she pays for my services, lol. She tells me that she thought I was gay, and that I remind her of a Beastie Boys song “She’s Crafty” but obviously changing it to He’s Crafty in reference to me. I take the lead and start kissing her and undressing her and me. We start fooling around in bed. She’s quite dominant – she starts biting my nipple at one point – so I go dominant on her and hold her down and then tickle her to death. She screams and is loving it.


But we don’t have any condoms so we can’t have full sex. In fact we don’t do anything more than kiss and I tease her nipples and make them erect. She moans appreciatively. And that’s all before we fall asleep. When we wake up a bit later we chat and kiss a bit more, and then she goes down on me. She swallows, lol. She then asks me to play with her nipples again, so I do, and then guides my hand down where I find she’s soaking wet. I finger her and she comes. She had an almost completely shaven pussy, which was nice for a change as recently they’ve been a bit hairy.


So that was it really. Things I noticed were that both tonight and the night before I really didn’t give a shit if I got laid or not, I didn’t want or push for it, though I did lead in the right places and times. You might call this being unattached to the outcome. I call it not giving a shit.

Also this girl, like the last American I fucked (on July 4 last year lol) kept some clothes on in bed. Which is unusual. It wasn’t cold! Not sure what that’s all about, but it doesn’t matter.

So that’s two lays in two days in Argentina, I’d like to think I could go for a third today but I have to go to bed early to get up for my bus to Bariloche tomorrow so it won’t happen. But TWO LAYS IN TWO DAYS!!! Fuck, I’ve never done anything like that before. I’ve now fucked three girls this month, the same amount that I fucked all last year. Total is now 15, and unfortunately this time I don’t get an extra flag as I already have America! For the record, my flags are:

England, Lithuania, Austria, Portugal, USA, Argentina, Colombia, Thailand, South Africa. I guess Cornwall doesn’t count? Still, a nice combination. I like to do my bit for international relations.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

LR: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

So I’ve been in Argentina for four nights. For various reasons, for three of those nights I haven’t really been able to go out. Yesterday I could.

One thing about travelling is that it’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. You’re never quite sure what you’re going to get. The only thing is, like with anything in life, the more you do it, the more likely you’re going to get some kind of result. For four days I’d been introducing myself to various people and though I was having some nice chats, nothing was sticking that well, in the sense of Yeah, let’s hang out together. But that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

So anyway after a day of sightseeing I decided to treat myself to a proper Argentinean meal of steak and wine although like most things in Buenos Aires it was more Italian than Argentinean but still, can’t argue with filet mignon. After that I head back to the hostel and bizarrely the Mighty Boosh is playing on the TV in Spanish. It was the Old Gregg episode and I now know what the Spanish for “mangina” is. God knows what the Argentineans made of it.

Anyway I head over to the sister hostel next door where the parties happen. I get a beer and a smoke and try to meet some people. I meet a couple of Irish guys but nothing sticks there. I met some German dude who’s OK but he wonders off to meet a friend, the bastard. I sit at a table and meet a bunch of guys and a girl who isn’t hot but is English and actually of Indian descent but fair skinned. I end up chatting to her for a while and things progress well. She ends up telling me about the Brazilian wax job she had earlier that day. Talk about handing things to me on a plate. Of course things get sexual after that. It was her last night in town after all which logistically makes it ideal for a one-off shag. And so I end up snogging her briefly, although she’s a bit shocked – she’s a bit of a prude – but she warms to the idea.

Anyway a band starts playing and we go and watch them. It’s at this point that I realise that I don’t actually fancy her, and I’ve kinda gone too far already. It’s a bit awkward as she starts to initiate contact but I don’t respond. Luckily I randomly end up talking to some other girl standing nearby. She tells me that she thinks the band are losers as all they’re doing is playing covers in a random hostel in Buenos Aires. I tell her why not just enjoy the music for what it is and not worry about stuff like that. I could tell that she was letting her thoughts get in the way of a good time.

“What if you’ve always been like that?” she replies. Telling me that she finds it hard to enjoy herself.
“Well you can always try to change,” I said. “A journey of a million miles starts with a single step.” Charlie the therapist gets into gear.

She then goes on about how a million miles has lots of steps and that they are all hard so why bother, to which I reply that you have a choice, to stay where you are and be grumpy or rather accept the situation, or to try and as with most things apart from flying unaided or becoming a billionaire overnight, you’ll get there eventually if you keep trying. Either way it’s best not to whinge.

Anyway after that things get a bit hazy as I get introduced to the group that she’s with, which from what I remember is two English girls, two Argentinean girls and a couple of Argentinean guys. The beers and the music is kicking in and we all dance and sing along to the tunes. It’s at this point that I basically end up dancing with one of the Argentinean girls.

Around this time I start to feel guilty about the English-Indian girl I was talking to originally, but that’s the way the dice roll sometimes. Anyway I’m dancing with this girl and we’re having a good time and I basically start cracking on to her, doing the sexy dance, singing along to the tunes, getting sensual, pulling her in and smelling her neck, and yeah, after a while we end up kissing.

I don’t think we say much to each other up to this point. One of the first things she asks me is “Are you Ingliss?” “Yes.” “You don’t seem Ingliss.” “Why?” “Ingliss are shy.” That made me feel great. I love confounding cultural stereotypes – apart from the one that says South American women are hot and easy of course.

So we spend a bunch of time dancing and snogging. From time to time we break off and chat to others in the group. One of the English girls is going out with one of the Argentinean guys and she’s like the mother hen, but we get on really well. She’s looking out for her girl friend and the fact that we get on means that she’s supportive of it all.

Eventually the band stop playing and I feel like she wants to talk and to get to know me better. So I take her outside and we sit down and chat and snog. She tells me that someone close to her mum has died recently and she’s in an uncertain place mentally. There’s not much I can say other than to sympathise. She shows me some drawings that the kids of this person drew for her, which was nice. We bonded over that somehow. Luckily she didn’t dwell on it and the conversation moved on. We continued to kiss and at one point I put her hand on my semi through my shorts which she seemed to like. We eventually head back into the main room and then she and the mother hen go away for some chick talk. I talk to the Argentinean guy who is with the mother hen. He is a cool guy. I explain to him about chick talk and how it works which I think he was impressed by. We had a good chat at any rate, and then the mother hen waved me over.

“Will you look after her?” she asked.
“No of course not. I’m going to take her up a dark alley and rape her ass until it bleeds, then smash her head against a brick wall,” I explained.
Oh I make myself laugh sometimes. I didn’t say that of course. “Of course I will,” I said. We were good to go.

I led her out of the hostel and asked if she had any protection. She didn’t, so I popped into my hostel and got some. “Do you know anywhere we can go?” I asked. Luckily she did – fucking in a dorm isn’t the best idea. We jumped in a taxi and she told the driver the address. It was a sex hotel. In fact it was called Hotel Horizontale which was quite amusing. I’d never been to one of those before and I was surprised how high quality it was (for 140 pesos, about 23 pounds). Yes there was a plastic covering under the bed, and yes two of the walls were covered in huge mirrors, there was a free condom by the bed and UV lights for some reason but everything else was really nice. A huge Jacuzzi at one end of the room, fresh towels and a nice TV and audio system.

PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICHES GUYS BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SEXY BIT. Don’t read this if you don’t want to know how it happened.

So we got undressed and down to business. But as ever I was getting performance issues. The little chap – perhaps I’ll call him Karlito, lol – wasn’t coming out to play yet a-fucking-gain. We kissed and fooled around a bit and I went down on her, but nothing happened for me. And eventually we went to sleep. It was nice to be in an air conditioned room for the first time in a few days – the dorm only has fans and they don’t work very well.

So we had a snooze and then eventually we woke up again. I was a bit uselessly stressing as I didn’t know what time it was and I didn’t want to stay past check out. But anyway once we were both awake we started kissing and Karlito got excited and finally behaved himself. I strapped in and got down to business – and promptly lasted about 30 seconds! At least this time I didn’t have any trouble getting it in, mainly because she guided it in herself. She knew what she was doing, which was good. Also she had this great way of caressing my buttocks with the back of her heels which was great. Anyway we hugged and caressed and then a while later I was ready to go again so once more unto the breach my friend as I strapped on another and went for it. I saw she had a big smile on her face as I entered her for the second time which was nice. To be honest the sex was OK but not that great, but then it never is until you have done it a bunch of times with someone I find. I lasted a bit longer, probably about 4 minutes or something. I don’t think she came but I think she enjoyed it. As we were lying there afterwards all I could think about was writing this LR. Is that wrong? Probably, yes!


We got up and used the great shower, got dressed and left. I took a picture of the room as it was so funny. I nicked a towel as I needed a spare for my travels! I took a picture of her as well although she wasn’t too keen. We said our goodbyes and left – and I walked in completely the wrong direction!

A couple of things to mention: I completely forgot her name, which is a bit embarrassing! And she was 19 years old. Yep you read that right. A whole 14 years younger than me. I admit I did lie and said that I was 28 to make it sound a bit better! So she’s the youngest I’ve fucked by a long margin.

One other thing is that I managed to “upgrade” myself as it were, from one girl that was into me but not hot, to another that was hotter. I need to start fucking hotter girls in general and this was a step in the right direction thankfully.

And I have the Argentinean flag. That’s lay number 14. And that’s two in a month. And I’m two thirds of my way through my total from last year already. Things are looking good. I also like to think of this lay as payback for the 1986 Hand of God incident. But that's because I'm bitter and twisted.

Oh, good times my friends, good times. Welcome to South America.

Monday, 11 January 2010

LR: It’s only natural

So here’s the scene. One of my flatmates arranges to take me, our current flatmates and one other mutual friend down to her dad’s house on the south coast for a weekend out of the city. Which was a nice idea, especially to see some of the countryside covered in snow. It turns out that her dad is there too with her partner and a few other people turn up. We all stay the night which is fine as the house is huge and has about 20 million bedrooms.

So here’s the full cast:
My English female flatmate [Host girl]
My hot French female flatmate [Frenchie]
My English male flatmate [IT guy]
The hot Australian female friend of the flat [Aussie girl]
My English female flatmate’s dad [Dad],
And his female partner [Dad’s bird]
Half-Japanese female family friend who is some kind of doctor [Doctor girl]
Another female family friend, who is a PA [PA girl]

If you’re paying attention you’ll notice that girls outnumber the boys 2 to 1. Nice odds.

So we all sit down and have a meal which is really nice and chat and get to know each other in a civilised, social kinda way. We’re knocking back the wine and getting nicely drunk and having a good time. After dinner we play some games and have a laugh. In these situations I tend to get very competitive and try really hard to win, although not with bad humour. We all enjoy ourselves.

After dinner and games things get more excitable as people start dancing to the music, sliding across the wooden floor in our socks and other such silliness. It’s good fun though I do find myself feeling a bit self conscious and not being the life and soul of the party, probably as I’m a bit tired. But I do my best to get stuck in.

Despite IT guy being a bit of a geek, he always has a girlfriend on the go more or less, though usually average looks (not that I do loads better). And I have to say I am impressed with his one-on-one dancing skills, which is odd given that he doesn’t come across as being that coordinated generally. Perhaps I’ve misjudged him – after all he does a lot of rollerskating and is good at it, which does require a fair amount of physical coordination.

Anyway through all the dancing he gets it on with the Doctor girl and ends up snogging her in front of everyone. I’m impressed as she’s pretty hot and the only time I’ve seen him with someone that hot before is with Aussie girl, but then she’s quite easy. I’m also impressed with his confidence in snogging in front of everyone. And needless to say, I was a little jealous as she was hot. Turns out she was very drunk, but then I still could have been there.

However I didn’t beat myself up about it, and I didn’t get that sinking feeling in my stomach that I used to get in these situations. Anyway in the latter part of the evening Dad’s bird, PA girl and to a lesser extent Doctor girl quiz us flatmates on who is going out with who and which of us are single. Funnily they thought that IT guy was going out with Host girl and I was going out with Aussie girl (we are great friends and quite intimate with each other, lots of people make that mistake including her mum who’s convinced I’m her boyfriend!).

In hindsight I realise that this is a tactic by the others to work out who is available and who they can hook up with, though I wasn’t aware of this at the time. Anyway towards the end of the night IT guy has his face full of Doctor girl and everyone else is sitting around chatting. Me and PA girl have a bit of a dance and though I’m not great at one-on-one dancing I get by OK. She was OK looking, not hot and not ugly, slim.

We eventually sit down and PA girl starts quizzing me about my life and what I’m up to. I talk about the four month trip to South America I’m about to kick off next week and also what job I had been doing and other such general stuff. She starts to get very interested in me, particularly about the trip. She then goes on to ask me about my friends, past girlfriends and which girls I fancy. I mentioned that I snogged Aussie girl once and that I think Frenchie is hot and wouldn’t mind going there, but for some reason I haven’t, mainly as she’s my flatmate and that can get awkward. She tries to convince me to tell her how I feel even though I’m resistant to it and I do start to feel a little uncomfortable talking about it.

I start to ask her about what she does and it turns out that she’s a PA for a manager in Jamie Oliver’s company. That’s about all I find out about her actually although one thing I should mention beforehand is that elsewhere in conversation with other people it comes up that she has a boyfriend who is a policeman. Also I never find out her age, though I would guess given some things she told me about her life that she is early thirties though she could be late twenties.

It’s now about 3 a.m. and finally people start going to bed. IT guy and Doctor girl head off to one room. I was meant to go in the room next to them but that doesn’t sound too appealing now, so we work out that I can share a twin room with PA girl. Writing this report it seems quite obvious but at the time although I was aware that she was into me a bit I didn’t think sex was on the cards as there hadn’t been much sexual tension or tension of any kind really, no highs and lows of emotion.

As we got ready to sleep it was all matter of fact and she was fully clothed. I was in my boxers but the lights were dark by then so it’s not as though she was checking out my body or anything. In the dark we chat a bit more about relationships and she asks me how many girlfriends I’ve had. I tell her 12 (well, that’s my lay count at least) and she mentions that that’s a good number. I ask her how many girlfriends she has had and she says none, I tell her that she should try it sometime as it’s quite fun! I also happen to talk about how we as a flat speak quite openly about our sex lives and that this particularly comes from the girls (which is all true). In retrospect this probably helped her become more comfortable with her actions and what was about to happen. Classic ASD but nothing that was a deliberate line or routine.

There’s a break in the conversation and I think about falling asleep. After a while she asks me if I’m asleep yet and I tell her no. This is the first time that I think that sex is actually going to be on. I always was aware that something might happen but the whole time I had been talking to her it had always been matter of fact and I wasn’t really bothered whether we did or didn’t do anything. Maybe this laissez faire attitude came across as a very centred confidence, I don’t know.

She turned over and held out her hand. Then I knew it was over. I reached out and we held hands. A few seconds later I leant over and started kissing her. She immediately responded well and it got very passionate. I could tell that she wanted it and this was very exciting for her. A few seconds later I moved over to her side and lay on top of her. I removed her duvet which was in the way, and then set about her clothing – well, that was in the way too. Naked we writhed around with me on top, then when I got hard I started fucking her.

One thing I’ve noticed at this point is when I try to enter a girl for the first time, it’s like my dick keeps on catching on something. It can hurt a bit! Anyway somehow I sorted that out and we had a fuck. I didn’t last long as, frankly, I’m too used to jerking off and coming quickly at the moment.

When I’m in long term relationships I can build up how long I last to levels where it isn’t a problem, but when I have sporadic sex I tend to be too short lived. Well, that’s the way it goes it seems. Hopefully as I get better at pick up the sporadic sex will become more regular and this will become less of a problem.

Anyway I come over her stomach and we lie together. I’ve become totally comfortable with contact with my own bodily fluids, which I guess is just as well. We’re still horny and we writhe around, kissing, biting, caressing. I work on her nipples, getting them nice and hard. I work down and eat her out and finger her for a bit, and though it has some effect it doesn’t seem to work too well.

We caress some more and when I get hard we start fucking again. This time I work out a better way to enter her. When I get the sensation of being stuck I back out a bit and then go in a bit and repeat, making short thrusts. Eventually I realise I’m in and have avoided the painful part from previously. Maybe I’ve solved this problem.

We fuck again and still I don’t last very long. I come over her stomach once again and we collapse together. We both lie there, tired and spent, and I can sense her relaxing and falling asleep. Funnily she says “I only wanted to hold your hand.” Luckily with all my reading of seduction literature I know what this is – an attempt for her to deny responsibility for her actions so she doesn’t feel like a slut. So I respond with, “It’s OK, it’s all my fault,” which she seems to find acceptable or at least doesn’t require a response.

I hold her for a bit and then when I start to feel tired I move back over to my bed. She’s asleep in minutes.

The next morning she gets up before I do and leaves without saying anything. Turns out Dad’s bird received a text saying that she had an amazing night and would love to do it again sometime. Of course she was referring to the whole night but, well, you know what.

For me, the interesting thing about this apart from being another social circle lay is that this was pure natural game in that practically nothing I did was conscious or forced apart from holding her hand just before kissing her. It just came from who I am as a person and probably the logistics of the situation helped. Also, it’s the first time I’d fucked a girl who had a boyfriend. I had absolutely no qualms about this as I really had done nothing to generate the situation. She wanted it, I merely helped her out. I’m sure she’ll go back and continue her relationship with him. After all I’m going to be away for four months and we didn’t exchange any contact details anyway.

Also IT guy didn’t fuck Doctor girl as she was far too drunk and he quite rightly doesn’t take advantage of women like that.

That’ll be my unlucky lay number 13 then.