Sunday, 24 January 2010

LR: Get on the Bus

So another night in Buenos Aires. Before going out I watch the end of Beta House which is so bad it’s good. The Greek Roulette scene is a classic in movie history. I head over to the hostel next door to see what’s happening. It’s a bit quiet but someone asks me for a lighter and I end up talking to a bunch of coked-up Aussies, who despite being a bit energetic, sweating and twitchy are more or less ok. It turns out they’re all going to some club night somewhere and they invite me along. I go to change into trousers and meet them at another hostel. It turns out we have to wait for a bus that will take us there and we hang out in the hostel bar until that happens.

The Aussie guys are cool and they’re all depressingly good looking and tanned as ever. There aren’t many women around at the moment and I just shoot the shit and take it easy. Eventually at 2 am the bus turns up and we all pile on. I’m the last but one to come on and the last person is an American girl who sits in the seat in front of me.

She really reminds me of my friend Claire, who, like this girl, is American, of Jewish extraction, and quite high energy, happy, fun kind of person. We immediately start talking as the bus drives through the streets of Buenos Aires to the club location. I’m not sure why but for some reason I find myself talking about the Falklands War and other points of history and politics which I usually avoid as it’s a kind of energy killer but somehow it’s OK in this situation.

Eventually we get to the club and it’s very large and a bit shit. The music is way too loud and it reminds me of the kind of club you get in places like Gran Canaria or something. But there’s a large outside area where you can sit down and hear yourself above the music, so we go and sit down there. We also lose the rest of the crowd in about 30 seconds. We continue talking and get on like a house on fire. Occasionally one of the group – an English guy also on coke – wonders aimlessly by looking for the others, and we talk to him from time to time as he looks a bit out of sorts.

Again I talk about subjects that I don’t usually – why the legal profession is a bunch of crap, and why what’s doing right for the planet is always going to be wrong for someone, somewhere – again I escape unscathed. However as we talk she tells me that it’s actually her last night in South America – same situation as with the first girl from last night – so logistics are playing into my hands again. And then she drops a great bombshell – as we talk about Argentine society she tells me that a friend of hers told her about the phenomenon of sex hotels. No shit, I say, and get out my camera. I show her the picture of the hotel where I fucked the Argentinean girl yesterday. She notices that the bed is messed up. Yeah I say, and tell her briefly about what happened. I also show her the picture of the girl and she says that she’s pretty.

Finally I see one of the rest of the group and we meet back up with them all. I chat with some of them some more and generally mingle. I end up back talking with this girl again and as sure as day follows night, so the sun also rises and we decided to go home. As we get ready to leave so all the others think it’s a good idea too and all 11 of us head outside for a taxi. I share one with the girl and two English guys

We pass River Plate stadium on the way, which looks massive and beautiful in the morning sun. Eventually we get back to the hostel and we point the coked up English guy in the right direction as he amusingly ambles off in the wrong way. She doesn’t have enough money to pay for her share so she tells me to some back with her to her hotel so she can pay me. So we get back into the cab and head over to hers. (She is staying in a 5 star hotel as she was due to go home the day before but got bumped off the plane, so the airline put her up in this swanky place for the night). She wants it.

So we go to her hotel and she pays for my services, lol. She tells me that she thought I was gay, and that I remind her of a Beastie Boys song “She’s Crafty” but obviously changing it to He’s Crafty in reference to me. I take the lead and start kissing her and undressing her and me. We start fooling around in bed. She’s quite dominant – she starts biting my nipple at one point – so I go dominant on her and hold her down and then tickle her to death. She screams and is loving it.


But we don’t have any condoms so we can’t have full sex. In fact we don’t do anything more than kiss and I tease her nipples and make them erect. She moans appreciatively. And that’s all before we fall asleep. When we wake up a bit later we chat and kiss a bit more, and then she goes down on me. She swallows, lol. She then asks me to play with her nipples again, so I do, and then guides my hand down where I find she’s soaking wet. I finger her and she comes. She had an almost completely shaven pussy, which was nice for a change as recently they’ve been a bit hairy.


So that was it really. Things I noticed were that both tonight and the night before I really didn’t give a shit if I got laid or not, I didn’t want or push for it, though I did lead in the right places and times. You might call this being unattached to the outcome. I call it not giving a shit.

Also this girl, like the last American I fucked (on July 4 last year lol) kept some clothes on in bed. Which is unusual. It wasn’t cold! Not sure what that’s all about, but it doesn’t matter.

So that’s two lays in two days in Argentina, I’d like to think I could go for a third today but I have to go to bed early to get up for my bus to Bariloche tomorrow so it won’t happen. But TWO LAYS IN TWO DAYS!!! Fuck, I’ve never done anything like that before. I’ve now fucked three girls this month, the same amount that I fucked all last year. Total is now 15, and unfortunately this time I don’t get an extra flag as I already have America! For the record, my flags are:

England, Lithuania, Austria, Portugal, USA, Argentina, Colombia, Thailand, South Africa. I guess Cornwall doesn’t count? Still, a nice combination. I like to do my bit for international relations.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

LR: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

So I’ve been in Argentina for four nights. For various reasons, for three of those nights I haven’t really been able to go out. Yesterday I could.

One thing about travelling is that it’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. You’re never quite sure what you’re going to get. The only thing is, like with anything in life, the more you do it, the more likely you’re going to get some kind of result. For four days I’d been introducing myself to various people and though I was having some nice chats, nothing was sticking that well, in the sense of Yeah, let’s hang out together. But that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

So anyway after a day of sightseeing I decided to treat myself to a proper Argentinean meal of steak and wine although like most things in Buenos Aires it was more Italian than Argentinean but still, can’t argue with filet mignon. After that I head back to the hostel and bizarrely the Mighty Boosh is playing on the TV in Spanish. It was the Old Gregg episode and I now know what the Spanish for “mangina” is. God knows what the Argentineans made of it.

Anyway I head over to the sister hostel next door where the parties happen. I get a beer and a smoke and try to meet some people. I meet a couple of Irish guys but nothing sticks there. I met some German dude who’s OK but he wonders off to meet a friend, the bastard. I sit at a table and meet a bunch of guys and a girl who isn’t hot but is English and actually of Indian descent but fair skinned. I end up chatting to her for a while and things progress well. She ends up telling me about the Brazilian wax job she had earlier that day. Talk about handing things to me on a plate. Of course things get sexual after that. It was her last night in town after all which logistically makes it ideal for a one-off shag. And so I end up snogging her briefly, although she’s a bit shocked – she’s a bit of a prude – but she warms to the idea.

Anyway a band starts playing and we go and watch them. It’s at this point that I realise that I don’t actually fancy her, and I’ve kinda gone too far already. It’s a bit awkward as she starts to initiate contact but I don’t respond. Luckily I randomly end up talking to some other girl standing nearby. She tells me that she thinks the band are losers as all they’re doing is playing covers in a random hostel in Buenos Aires. I tell her why not just enjoy the music for what it is and not worry about stuff like that. I could tell that she was letting her thoughts get in the way of a good time.

“What if you’ve always been like that?” she replies. Telling me that she finds it hard to enjoy herself.
“Well you can always try to change,” I said. “A journey of a million miles starts with a single step.” Charlie the therapist gets into gear.

She then goes on about how a million miles has lots of steps and that they are all hard so why bother, to which I reply that you have a choice, to stay where you are and be grumpy or rather accept the situation, or to try and as with most things apart from flying unaided or becoming a billionaire overnight, you’ll get there eventually if you keep trying. Either way it’s best not to whinge.

Anyway after that things get a bit hazy as I get introduced to the group that she’s with, which from what I remember is two English girls, two Argentinean girls and a couple of Argentinean guys. The beers and the music is kicking in and we all dance and sing along to the tunes. It’s at this point that I basically end up dancing with one of the Argentinean girls.

Around this time I start to feel guilty about the English-Indian girl I was talking to originally, but that’s the way the dice roll sometimes. Anyway I’m dancing with this girl and we’re having a good time and I basically start cracking on to her, doing the sexy dance, singing along to the tunes, getting sensual, pulling her in and smelling her neck, and yeah, after a while we end up kissing.

I don’t think we say much to each other up to this point. One of the first things she asks me is “Are you Ingliss?” “Yes.” “You don’t seem Ingliss.” “Why?” “Ingliss are shy.” That made me feel great. I love confounding cultural stereotypes – apart from the one that says South American women are hot and easy of course.

So we spend a bunch of time dancing and snogging. From time to time we break off and chat to others in the group. One of the English girls is going out with one of the Argentinean guys and she’s like the mother hen, but we get on really well. She’s looking out for her girl friend and the fact that we get on means that she’s supportive of it all.

Eventually the band stop playing and I feel like she wants to talk and to get to know me better. So I take her outside and we sit down and chat and snog. She tells me that someone close to her mum has died recently and she’s in an uncertain place mentally. There’s not much I can say other than to sympathise. She shows me some drawings that the kids of this person drew for her, which was nice. We bonded over that somehow. Luckily she didn’t dwell on it and the conversation moved on. We continued to kiss and at one point I put her hand on my semi through my shorts which she seemed to like. We eventually head back into the main room and then she and the mother hen go away for some chick talk. I talk to the Argentinean guy who is with the mother hen. He is a cool guy. I explain to him about chick talk and how it works which I think he was impressed by. We had a good chat at any rate, and then the mother hen waved me over.

“Will you look after her?” she asked.
“No of course not. I’m going to take her up a dark alley and rape her ass until it bleeds, then smash her head against a brick wall,” I explained.
Oh I make myself laugh sometimes. I didn’t say that of course. “Of course I will,” I said. We were good to go.

I led her out of the hostel and asked if she had any protection. She didn’t, so I popped into my hostel and got some. “Do you know anywhere we can go?” I asked. Luckily she did – fucking in a dorm isn’t the best idea. We jumped in a taxi and she told the driver the address. It was a sex hotel. In fact it was called Hotel Horizontale which was quite amusing. I’d never been to one of those before and I was surprised how high quality it was (for 140 pesos, about 23 pounds). Yes there was a plastic covering under the bed, and yes two of the walls were covered in huge mirrors, there was a free condom by the bed and UV lights for some reason but everything else was really nice. A huge Jacuzzi at one end of the room, fresh towels and a nice TV and audio system.

PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICHES GUYS BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SEXY BIT. Don’t read this if you don’t want to know how it happened.

So we got undressed and down to business. But as ever I was getting performance issues. The little chap – perhaps I’ll call him Karlito, lol – wasn’t coming out to play yet a-fucking-gain. We kissed and fooled around a bit and I went down on her, but nothing happened for me. And eventually we went to sleep. It was nice to be in an air conditioned room for the first time in a few days – the dorm only has fans and they don’t work very well.

So we had a snooze and then eventually we woke up again. I was a bit uselessly stressing as I didn’t know what time it was and I didn’t want to stay past check out. But anyway once we were both awake we started kissing and Karlito got excited and finally behaved himself. I strapped in and got down to business – and promptly lasted about 30 seconds! At least this time I didn’t have any trouble getting it in, mainly because she guided it in herself. She knew what she was doing, which was good. Also she had this great way of caressing my buttocks with the back of her heels which was great. Anyway we hugged and caressed and then a while later I was ready to go again so once more unto the breach my friend as I strapped on another and went for it. I saw she had a big smile on her face as I entered her for the second time which was nice. To be honest the sex was OK but not that great, but then it never is until you have done it a bunch of times with someone I find. I lasted a bit longer, probably about 4 minutes or something. I don’t think she came but I think she enjoyed it. As we were lying there afterwards all I could think about was writing this LR. Is that wrong? Probably, yes!


We got up and used the great shower, got dressed and left. I took a picture of the room as it was so funny. I nicked a towel as I needed a spare for my travels! I took a picture of her as well although she wasn’t too keen. We said our goodbyes and left – and I walked in completely the wrong direction!

A couple of things to mention: I completely forgot her name, which is a bit embarrassing! And she was 19 years old. Yep you read that right. A whole 14 years younger than me. I admit I did lie and said that I was 28 to make it sound a bit better! So she’s the youngest I’ve fucked by a long margin.

One other thing is that I managed to “upgrade” myself as it were, from one girl that was into me but not hot, to another that was hotter. I need to start fucking hotter girls in general and this was a step in the right direction thankfully.

And I have the Argentinean flag. That’s lay number 14. And that’s two in a month. And I’m two thirds of my way through my total from last year already. Things are looking good. I also like to think of this lay as payback for the 1986 Hand of God incident. But that's because I'm bitter and twisted.

Oh, good times my friends, good times. Welcome to South America.

Monday, 11 January 2010

LR: It’s only natural

So here’s the scene. One of my flatmates arranges to take me, our current flatmates and one other mutual friend down to her dad’s house on the south coast for a weekend out of the city. Which was a nice idea, especially to see some of the countryside covered in snow. It turns out that her dad is there too with her partner and a few other people turn up. We all stay the night which is fine as the house is huge and has about 20 million bedrooms.

So here’s the full cast:
My English female flatmate [Host girl]
My hot French female flatmate [Frenchie]
My English male flatmate [IT guy]
The hot Australian female friend of the flat [Aussie girl]
My English female flatmate’s dad [Dad],
And his female partner [Dad’s bird]
Half-Japanese female family friend who is some kind of doctor [Doctor girl]
Another female family friend, who is a PA [PA girl]

If you’re paying attention you’ll notice that girls outnumber the boys 2 to 1. Nice odds.

So we all sit down and have a meal which is really nice and chat and get to know each other in a civilised, social kinda way. We’re knocking back the wine and getting nicely drunk and having a good time. After dinner we play some games and have a laugh. In these situations I tend to get very competitive and try really hard to win, although not with bad humour. We all enjoy ourselves.

After dinner and games things get more excitable as people start dancing to the music, sliding across the wooden floor in our socks and other such silliness. It’s good fun though I do find myself feeling a bit self conscious and not being the life and soul of the party, probably as I’m a bit tired. But I do my best to get stuck in.

Despite IT guy being a bit of a geek, he always has a girlfriend on the go more or less, though usually average looks (not that I do loads better). And I have to say I am impressed with his one-on-one dancing skills, which is odd given that he doesn’t come across as being that coordinated generally. Perhaps I’ve misjudged him – after all he does a lot of rollerskating and is good at it, which does require a fair amount of physical coordination.

Anyway through all the dancing he gets it on with the Doctor girl and ends up snogging her in front of everyone. I’m impressed as she’s pretty hot and the only time I’ve seen him with someone that hot before is with Aussie girl, but then she’s quite easy. I’m also impressed with his confidence in snogging in front of everyone. And needless to say, I was a little jealous as she was hot. Turns out she was very drunk, but then I still could have been there.

However I didn’t beat myself up about it, and I didn’t get that sinking feeling in my stomach that I used to get in these situations. Anyway in the latter part of the evening Dad’s bird, PA girl and to a lesser extent Doctor girl quiz us flatmates on who is going out with who and which of us are single. Funnily they thought that IT guy was going out with Host girl and I was going out with Aussie girl (we are great friends and quite intimate with each other, lots of people make that mistake including her mum who’s convinced I’m her boyfriend!).

In hindsight I realise that this is a tactic by the others to work out who is available and who they can hook up with, though I wasn’t aware of this at the time. Anyway towards the end of the night IT guy has his face full of Doctor girl and everyone else is sitting around chatting. Me and PA girl have a bit of a dance and though I’m not great at one-on-one dancing I get by OK. She was OK looking, not hot and not ugly, slim.

We eventually sit down and PA girl starts quizzing me about my life and what I’m up to. I talk about the four month trip to South America I’m about to kick off next week and also what job I had been doing and other such general stuff. She starts to get very interested in me, particularly about the trip. She then goes on to ask me about my friends, past girlfriends and which girls I fancy. I mentioned that I snogged Aussie girl once and that I think Frenchie is hot and wouldn’t mind going there, but for some reason I haven’t, mainly as she’s my flatmate and that can get awkward. She tries to convince me to tell her how I feel even though I’m resistant to it and I do start to feel a little uncomfortable talking about it.

I start to ask her about what she does and it turns out that she’s a PA for a manager in Jamie Oliver’s company. That’s about all I find out about her actually although one thing I should mention beforehand is that elsewhere in conversation with other people it comes up that she has a boyfriend who is a policeman. Also I never find out her age, though I would guess given some things she told me about her life that she is early thirties though she could be late twenties.

It’s now about 3 a.m. and finally people start going to bed. IT guy and Doctor girl head off to one room. I was meant to go in the room next to them but that doesn’t sound too appealing now, so we work out that I can share a twin room with PA girl. Writing this report it seems quite obvious but at the time although I was aware that she was into me a bit I didn’t think sex was on the cards as there hadn’t been much sexual tension or tension of any kind really, no highs and lows of emotion.

As we got ready to sleep it was all matter of fact and she was fully clothed. I was in my boxers but the lights were dark by then so it’s not as though she was checking out my body or anything. In the dark we chat a bit more about relationships and she asks me how many girlfriends I’ve had. I tell her 12 (well, that’s my lay count at least) and she mentions that that’s a good number. I ask her how many girlfriends she has had and she says none, I tell her that she should try it sometime as it’s quite fun! I also happen to talk about how we as a flat speak quite openly about our sex lives and that this particularly comes from the girls (which is all true). In retrospect this probably helped her become more comfortable with her actions and what was about to happen. Classic ASD but nothing that was a deliberate line or routine.

There’s a break in the conversation and I think about falling asleep. After a while she asks me if I’m asleep yet and I tell her no. This is the first time that I think that sex is actually going to be on. I always was aware that something might happen but the whole time I had been talking to her it had always been matter of fact and I wasn’t really bothered whether we did or didn’t do anything. Maybe this laissez faire attitude came across as a very centred confidence, I don’t know.

She turned over and held out her hand. Then I knew it was over. I reached out and we held hands. A few seconds later I leant over and started kissing her. She immediately responded well and it got very passionate. I could tell that she wanted it and this was very exciting for her. A few seconds later I moved over to her side and lay on top of her. I removed her duvet which was in the way, and then set about her clothing – well, that was in the way too. Naked we writhed around with me on top, then when I got hard I started fucking her.

One thing I’ve noticed at this point is when I try to enter a girl for the first time, it’s like my dick keeps on catching on something. It can hurt a bit! Anyway somehow I sorted that out and we had a fuck. I didn’t last long as, frankly, I’m too used to jerking off and coming quickly at the moment.

When I’m in long term relationships I can build up how long I last to levels where it isn’t a problem, but when I have sporadic sex I tend to be too short lived. Well, that’s the way it goes it seems. Hopefully as I get better at pick up the sporadic sex will become more regular and this will become less of a problem.

Anyway I come over her stomach and we lie together. I’ve become totally comfortable with contact with my own bodily fluids, which I guess is just as well. We’re still horny and we writhe around, kissing, biting, caressing. I work on her nipples, getting them nice and hard. I work down and eat her out and finger her for a bit, and though it has some effect it doesn’t seem to work too well.

We caress some more and when I get hard we start fucking again. This time I work out a better way to enter her. When I get the sensation of being stuck I back out a bit and then go in a bit and repeat, making short thrusts. Eventually I realise I’m in and have avoided the painful part from previously. Maybe I’ve solved this problem.

We fuck again and still I don’t last very long. I come over her stomach once again and we collapse together. We both lie there, tired and spent, and I can sense her relaxing and falling asleep. Funnily she says “I only wanted to hold your hand.” Luckily with all my reading of seduction literature I know what this is – an attempt for her to deny responsibility for her actions so she doesn’t feel like a slut. So I respond with, “It’s OK, it’s all my fault,” which she seems to find acceptable or at least doesn’t require a response.

I hold her for a bit and then when I start to feel tired I move back over to my bed. She’s asleep in minutes.

The next morning she gets up before I do and leaves without saying anything. Turns out Dad’s bird received a text saying that she had an amazing night and would love to do it again sometime. Of course she was referring to the whole night but, well, you know what.

For me, the interesting thing about this apart from being another social circle lay is that this was pure natural game in that practically nothing I did was conscious or forced apart from holding her hand just before kissing her. It just came from who I am as a person and probably the logistics of the situation helped. Also, it’s the first time I’d fucked a girl who had a boyfriend. I had absolutely no qualms about this as I really had done nothing to generate the situation. She wanted it, I merely helped her out. I’m sure she’ll go back and continue her relationship with him. After all I’m going to be away for four months and we didn’t exchange any contact details anyway.

Also IT guy didn’t fuck Doctor girl as she was far too drunk and he quite rightly doesn’t take advantage of women like that.

That’ll be my unlucky lay number 13 then.