Tuesday, 23 February 2010

LR: What She Asked of Me at the End of the Night, Caligula Would Have Blushed

It was actually the day after carnaval ended and the Aussies wanted to see the Flamengo versus Botafoga game at the Maracen√£ stadium but I wasn’t that keen. We couldn’t find tickets anyway and as it happened, it was for the best. We found a sports bar near where we were staying and headed out there. The match was on and simultaneously there was a very good cover band playing 60s and 70s rock songs, highlights being Black Magic Woman and Black by Pearl Jam.

Aussie flatmate, being Aussie, eventually gets talking to two Brazilian chicks who are sitting near us. The other Aussie joins in, while I am distracted by the end of the match and the band. Eventually I remember to join in. At first I make no impression at all and feel like an awkward spare limb, and it’s at times like this in the past that I would have given up and felt shit while I saw others get the action that I wanted, only making things worse.

However now I know that when this happens, it’s not the end, there’s always more of a chance, and the reality is that no one has noticed anyway so it doesn’t matter. All it requires is persistence. So I bide my time and try joining in again and in a short time become part of the conversation.

There is a lot of general chit chat and amusement to be had. When the band plays Jumping Jack Flash I use that as an excuse to shamelessly nick one of Alan Davies improvisations of Mick Jagger dancing as though he was walking through lots of narrow doors. The girl I end up with loves it and tells me that I have a great imagination. Well I do, but she doesn’t need to know any different in this case.


Occasionally I pop out for a smoke and the other Aussie has started up talking to a very hot black-haired Irish bird who is completely wasted. As things progress he focuses on her which leaves me and flatmate Aussie with the two Brazilians.

Frankly I’m not escalating, just taking things easy, and having fun. The girls are into us and that’s cool. And then I notice that Aussie flatmate is holding hands with one of the chicks, and before long, they’re making out. Again it shakes me a little as I’m now the one doing normal conversation while my mate is getting his freak on. I mentally do a few things. Firstly I ignore the insecurity. Then I make sure to maintain the conversation with my girl. Who, frankly, is the hotter of the two. A kind of Greco-Roman looking face and slim, beautiful body. Then I work out how I can sexually escalate. I haven’t done much sexual escalation the whole night. Another insecurity I have and which pops up here is not to copy other people, which is bullshit as it’s restricting my options, so again I ignore this.

In the end I just keep on cracking jokes and making her feel good emotions, and finally I take my chance and go in for the kiss. She goes for it too and it’s all good. She’s a toothy kisser which isn’t my favourite – I like a girl to use her lips almost exclusively – but I go with it. We get hot and heavy and do a bit of light biting which I am becoming a big fan of, and caress her all over with my hands.

It’s all good and we have fun. But she doesn’t allow me to touch her breasts or get anywhere near her pussy, so things are a bit cool. But I caress her breasts with my chest anyway – another favourite trick and one that helps with getting passionate as it uses the whole body – and she loves it.

So the night is drawing to a close and frankly, after all the previous days’ carnaval excesses and illnesses, by the time it gets to 3 a.m. I’m just about ready to die. We all get into Aussie flatmate’s girl’s car and drop off my girl and then drop off me and other Aussie at our hotel. Aussie flatmate and his girl go to a sex hotel and do “pretty much everything” including anal and her rimming him. We have all exchanged emails as a group and I’m still in Rio the next few days so I can meet up with them again soon, and we make plans to. Oh yeah, they weren’t drinking the whole night – they were completely sober (unlike us).

So the next day I thought I had booked another hostel in Rio, and though technically it was in Rio city, it was about an hour’s drive out of the centre and not somewhere I could get to and from easily. So I spent a couple of nights there chilling out and recovering from the excesses from the previous week. Eventually I returned to Rio proper and arranged to meet up with this girl. For a while it didn’t happen – I called her one day and the phone line was so bad I couldn’t hear her at all and I didn’t manage to sort anything.

But via a process of email exchange we eventually met up on the morning of my last day in Rio. I went to her apartment which was a few blocks away from my hostel. Her place was really nice – three bedrooms in the heart of Copacabana, all to herself – and like a true carioca (someone from Rio) he had a small yapper-type dog that got massively overexcited when I arrived. So we met and we kissed – which pissed the dog off – and decided what to do. The beach it was, then.

So she drove me to the beach, not Copacabana but Leblon which is more or less the same but a bit less touristy. As we were driving I was thinking how awesome it was to be in Rio with some hot girl showing me around and experiencing life like a carioca. So we arrived at the beach and basically spent the whole day lounging under a parasol, jumping in the water from time to time, buying drinks and snacks from the vendors walking past, and kissing and caressing each other. The highlight was after we’d been in the sea once, we went to one of the beach showers and both showered under it while we made out big time in front of everyone. I love public displays of affection and luckily so did she. The whole day was an awesomely relaxing experience and at one point I even fell asleep. Rio is a beautiful city and none more so when on the beach. And the people are pretty hot too.

After that we went for a walk around the lake at sunset which was beautiful too, and then went back to the apartment and got naked – her dog had accepted me by now – but the same problem as ever surfaced. While kissing and undressing I’ll get hard, but as soon as the moment of truth arrives nothing happens. She was understanding and we decided to go to dinner instead.

After dinner I took a Cialis pill that the other Aussie had given me on his recommendation. Although I think that was a bit of bad timing as I’d just eaten a whole bunch of food and perhaps it wasn’t most effective taken in that way. Anyway after dinner we went for a walk along the beach and then back to her apartment for more fun and games.


The pill seemed to have some effect as I was able to get hard straight away and we got down to fucking. Though like before I only lasted a short time. I really need to stop wanking and get myself regular sex so I can get used to this shit. She was really funny about it – she said, you’re 33 (she’s 37), this shouldn’t be a problem for you! She has a point, but hey, we all have different challenges in life.

Anyway shortly after that I was ready to go again and gave me a bit of a blow job which was pretty good, even though she was a bit toothy – though thankfully not in a painful way. I then asked her if she wanted me to fuck her and she said I shouldn’t ask, which is of course correct, I should just do it. In fact I had been acting like a fag all day – maybe because she was showing me around and knew what to do, maybe because I was feeling tired and lazy, maybe because I’m a fag – and as a latina girl aged 37 she was very forthright about how she wanted to be treated.

Other examples included her wanting me to tell her what to do while she was giving a blow job, how hard to spank her butt, how she liked to be bitten, how roughly she wanted to be treated while we were having sex – pretty rough though not sadistic levels. Just hard, fast and rough. I’ve never been in a situation where the girl is so dominant before. But, hey, still got laid and that.

But anyway we fucked again and this time I lasted a bit longer and treated her nice and rough. After that we slept. I had to get up at 4 that morning to catch my flight to Ecuador. If I had been able to stay in Rio I’m sure we would have spent the next day fucking – the Cialis made me hard as I was sleeping on the plane!

One other funny thing she said was that she could feel my heart beat through my dick, and when I was about to come she could tell as my heart rate increased. Never heard that one before!


So the good points:

Brazilian flag, baby!
It’s my third lay in South America, and fourth this year (or fifth if you count the English girl I couldn’t fuck because I couldn’t get hard. It was a technical lay, right? Right!)
Spending a day with a hot chick on the beach, and the night in her apartment, is awesome. That sounds like some kind of fantasy I would have never considered possible only a couple of years ago.
I’m getting laid regularly while travelling, another goal of mine
16th lay.
She was into me in a big way, saying I was a cool guy and so on. Nice ego massaging.
I asked her why she found me attractive. She said there’s three ways to a girl’s heart. Money (I thought to myself, check), looks (yep, score on that one too) and humour (I guess). It was because I made her laugh, and was generally a fun guy to be around, that she went with me.

The bad points:

Jesus I’m crap in bed. Not being able to get it up and lasting a short time. Thing is, when I last had a girlfriend I was like that at the start but simply through regular practice both those problems disappeared. I think a combination of too much wanking and not enough regular sex is hindering me in this area. I can’t think of much to do to fix it apart from – get more regular sex, wank less or at least don’t make myself come so quickly, use Viagra or Cialis to help out on the odd occasion. And take Cialis before the meal not after!

I dedicate this lay to Alan Davies.

Carnaval, bitches!

Brazil. Home of the famous approach to topiary. Although they don’t call it that. I can’t remember what they do call it. Though I do know that the translation of “G-string” from Portuguese literally means “dental floss.”

But anyway, I digress. It’s carnaval time, baby, and what that means is spending so much money it hurts, drinking so much it hurts, and seeing so many Brazilians in various stages of undress and dancing to the incessant rhythms of the drums in a sexy way that it, uh, turns you on.

For this part of my journey I met up with two people, one a former Aussie flatmate of mine who has been back in Oz for a few years, the other his friend who I hadn’t met before. Flatmate Aussie is mixed race and therefore looks Brazilian, and is also a former Rugby League player so is built pretty big, although without any definition these days. But he still has an imposing physique. And as you would expect from someone from Australia, is a bit of a natural. He doesn’t always have the best quality – though sometimes he does – but he does have a consistent hit rate. But it’s not so much his physical attributes that serve him well, more his character, which is fun, sociable, occasionally self-depreciating, confident and sexual. I’ve basically nicked about 90% of my game from him.

The other Aussie is your typical rough-around-the-edges, tell-it-like-it-is, beer-drinking, sports-loving Aussie, randy as fuck and he has a good sense of humour. We all get along great and have a good laugh.

We started off in Salvador for carnaval. Salvador is the African heart of Brazil, and its carnaval is the most traditional. There’s different parts and we spent most of our time in the music-focussed part where you have one long route that many floats (called trios) go down. These are set up with massive sound systems, light displays, LED screens and the bands themselves, and they inch their way down the route and belting out the frenetic, intoxicating, drum-led ax√© music (pronounced a-SHAY). On the sides of the street there are things called camarotes (pronounced ka-ma-ROSH) that have balconies where you can look over the streets, as well as areas behind that contain bars and a nightclub.

Anyway in terms of game for the three nights I was in Salvador I was completely off. Why? Because of context-led behaviour. You see, when Aussie flatmate was actually my flatmate, he was out shagging his way through London town while I was fretting away, still insecure, trying to work out how to put this all together. And so when I was back in his presence, the old me returned and I found it hard to act in the way that I knew could. Having said that, early on the first night I we were all dancing in the nightclub bit and there were at least four hot chicks nearby that no one was doing anything about. I couldn’t let it go and had quick dance with them, though nothing came of it (not sure why).

Later on the Aussies hook up with some Aussie chicks and were very Aussie with them, and I felt myself out on a limb. I was pretty drunk by this stage – did I mention there was a free bar included in the ticket price? – and I was also distracted by how good looking the men were here. Jesus they like to work out a lot too. Plus the music is just great fun.

For the next two nights I was so wasted from the excesses of the first night, plus lack of sleep and food, plus a bit of stomach badness, that I was in no mood to do anything game-wise. I was more concerned about not getting stupidly wasted. Arriving in Rio we were all feeling the pain and for the first night we went to bed really early. The second night wasn’t much better and although we wondered around Copacabana beach for a bit we didn’t really find any happening places and quit pretty early again.

The third night we find out that Ipanema’s the place to be, but when we get there it’s full of gays – as Aussie flatmate said, he’d never seen so many black fags in one place before. It was enough to make your eyes water.

So we quickly ensconced ourselves in an Irish pub that’s showing the Champions League and watch a bit of football. At one point an obnoxious Irish guy joins our table but from him we find out about a big nightclub thing that is happening at a marina in the posh part of town. We sort our shit out and head down there.

Armin van Buuren, a top trance DJ, is playing and the music and the atmosphere is absolutely awesome. There are loads of people on it and despite a couple of attempts to source narcotics we don’t find any, so alcohol it is. Probably for the best, all things considered. For me anyway.

However the women here are HOT HOT HOT!!! This is clearly top class Brazilian society, and the girls reflect that. Like the best that Southern Europe has to offer, mostly dyed blonde. But despite chatting to a few of them, the vast majority simply don’t want to know. Most probably on my part as I was a bit of a mess, hair all over the place and drunk, but there was no shagging or snogging for any of us that night.

So that night was Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday, a.k.a. Shrove Tuesday) and it marked the end of carnaval. No one got laid. BUT, what happened on the next night was a different story.

Friday, 5 February 2010

I'm Going Back to the Start

So I’m back in Buenos Aires. I’m staying at this hostel that has air conditioning, and as a result is a ton better than the last place I stayed, where I was covered in sweat the whole time. And the other good thing about it is that it is a social place, so as Radiohead once correctly said, Meeting People is Easy.

One thing I’ve learnt about travelling in that it pays to say Hi to everyone you meet. I don’t always do this, as there are going to be times when you’re tired, hungover, sick, or possibly all three and frankly can’t be arsed, but you get the idea. I noticed this first when I was in Thailand just over a year ago, and I said Hi to a couple of girls just in passing, thinking nothing of it, and then later on they came up and started talking to me in a bar that evening.

It’s simple, it’s obvious, but a man needs to be told.

So back to Buenos Aires and I can’t remember exactly when it was but sometime before yesterday I was in the lift and a girl got in with me. She was tall, slender, tanned, and fairly pretty although she had a nose like the characters in Avatar – i.e. a bit wide. But still, you would.

I was actually feeling tired at the time, but then I feel tired most of the time, but anyway that’s not the point. I was tired and not feeling great but I managed to get a quick, “Hey, how’s it going?” out. We had a very brief chat and found out we were both from London before she left the lift. I think I may have been able to crack a joke in that time.

One side note is that my humour skills are, like, so hot right now? As well as meeting people – on this trip I have been meeting people and getting on well with them like my life depended on it. The chickens are coming home to roost. I love it.

Anyway I met this girl briefly and that was it. In my unreliable memory I think there might have been a bit of attraction there but, as I found out later, there was massive attraction. It seems like I’m getting more of that too. There was this Swiss girl in Puerto Varas... but that’s another story, hopefully one I can come back to. I will let you know.

So fast forward to last night. I was once again tired as I had to get up at 6.30 to catch a ferry I’d booked so I could go to Uruguay (Homer Simpson: U R GAY) and back in the same day. Was it worth it for the stamp in the passport? Well, probably, yes. Anyway so I’d come back from Uruguay and tried to sleep but couldn’t. It was getting to around going out time and all my roommates were out so I had to find some new friends to molest. I went down to the communal area and stole a Pepsi from the fridge (you’re meant to pay, but no one was checking) and sat down and drank it.

From where I was sitting I listened to the conversations of the people around me and found one table with about 8 English speakers on it. I popped over and said, “Mind if I join you guys?” which is my trademarked, 100% field tested social circle opener (c) me 2010 and no returns. Of course this is travelling and they did. I got talking to some Australian guy who looked like exactly a tanned, older Frodo / Elijah Wood. He was the usual alpha Aussie guy but OK to talk to.

So I hung out with those guys for a bit and they invited me out to join them for dinner at a steak restaurant. So we went to the restaurant and it was only when I got there that I noticed that one of the girls was the Avatar girl from the lift. She was immediately looking at me with a big smile and a grin on her face and I was thinking to myself, why is this getting so fucking ridiculously easy for me right now? I knew it was on then and it was only a matter of logistics.

So we had the meal and then there was talk of going to a club, but we went back to the hostel first to drink rum. So we did that and when we sat down I found that she was next to me. So of course there was top class flirting and teasing and a bit of touching and it was just so on it was untrue.

Eventually we made our way to the club and it was OK but a hip hop night which isn’t my favourite music for clubbing but I can get by with anything really. We entered and went to the bar and the girls went to the loos as they were bursting. We were making jokes about having wee babies. So they left and I sorted out my drink and waited for them to return like we’d arranged. I waited for a while but by the time I’d finished my small can of beer they hadn’t returned, so I went for a wonder around the club.

Eventually Avatar chick tapped me on the shoulder as she noticed me walk past. I turned round and started talking to her and then within about two minutes we were making out. I love making out, I love ravaging the women as I make all their desires about a hot, passionate, sexually confident man some true. They want to be taken and I take them. Kissing, biting, scratching (though not painfully), licking, rubbing, grabbing, squeezing, I put it all in there and they fucking love it. She had a really long tongue as well which was kind of weird but I went with it.

And then we spent the next couple of hours basically making out hardcore and then “going to look for our friends” which we’d lost and moving to another part of the club and doing the same thing. She was quite feisty so loved being dominated. She was also taller than me which was cool as I haven’t kissed many girls that are taller than me. There was one funny bit when one of my favourite songs – Get Busy by Sean Paul – came on so I turned her round, bent her over and started grinding her like I was doing her doggy style, but with clothes on. I started slapping her arse and then some guy standing next to me also started slapping her arse too! Classic.

At another point we were looking for friends from a balcony overlooking the main dancefloor and she was behind me while we were still holding hands. From here I moved to lifting up her dress and rubbing her crotch through her panties while pretending to look. It was our little secret and no one else knew what was going on.

So anyway this went on for a while and then eventually we did find the others and we all kinda decided to go home. We took a cab back to the hostel and we were kinda stuck. There was nowhere to go. I kissed her against the wall and fingered her for a bit. We then found a fire escape but can you guess what happened? Yes I couldn’t get hard so we didn’t fuck. At that point we kinda called it a night. So if it hadn’t been for my performance issues it would have been another lay.

One funny thing she told me was that she kinda considered my “Hey, how’s it going?” opener to be like Joey from Friends’ “How YOU doin’?” line which just goes to show, anything can work. Plus I like totally have the skills and everything. Yeah.

But what’s interesting about this for me is that the attraction was there right from the start, and I didn’t really have to do anything. And apart from her nose – which wasn’t too bad really – she was definitely one of the hottest girls I’ve been with which is a good thing, as I need to get with hotter chicks.

EDIT: It was her last night in South America too. So three of the four girls I've kissed / fucked here have been on their final night, and the fourth was Argentinean.