LR: Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina

So I’ve been in Argentina for four nights. For various reasons, for three of those nights I haven’t really been able to go out. Yesterday I could.

One thing about travelling is that it’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. You’re never quite sure what you’re going to get. The only thing is, like with anything in life, the more you do it, the more likely you’re going to get some kind of result. For four days I’d been introducing myself to various people and though I was having some nice chats, nothing was sticking that well, in the sense of Yeah, let’s hang out together. But that’s just the way it goes sometimes.

So anyway after a day of sightseeing I decided to treat myself to a proper Argentinean meal of steak and wine although like most things in Buenos Aires it was more Italian than Argentinean but still, can’t argue with filet mignon. After that I head back to the hostel and bizarrely the Mighty Boosh is playing on the TV in Spanish. It was the Old Gregg episode and I now know what the Spanish for “mangina” is. God knows what the Argentineans made of it.

Anyway I head over to the sister hostel next door where the parties happen. I get a beer and a smoke and try to meet some people. I meet a couple of Irish guys but nothing sticks there. I met some German dude who’s OK but he wonders off to meet a friend, the bastard. I sit at a table and meet a bunch of guys and a girl who isn’t hot but is English and actually of Indian descent but fair skinned. I end up chatting to her for a while and things progress well. She ends up telling me about the Brazilian wax job she had earlier that day. Talk about handing things to me on a plate. Of course things get sexual after that. It was her last night in town after all which logistically makes it ideal for a one-off shag. And so I end up snogging her briefly, although she’s a bit shocked – she’s a bit of a prude – but she warms to the idea.

Anyway a band starts playing and we go and watch them. It’s at this point that I realise that I don’t actually fancy her, and I’ve kinda gone too far already. It’s a bit awkward as she starts to initiate contact but I don’t respond. Luckily I randomly end up talking to some other girl standing nearby. She tells me that she thinks the band are losers as all they’re doing is playing covers in a random hostel in Buenos Aires. I tell her why not just enjoy the music for what it is and not worry about stuff like that. I could tell that she was letting her thoughts get in the way of a good time.

“What if you’ve always been like that?” she replies. Telling me that she finds it hard to enjoy herself.
“Well you can always try to change,” I said. “A journey of a million miles starts with a single step.” Charlie the therapist gets into gear.

She then goes on about how a million miles has lots of steps and that they are all hard so why bother, to which I reply that you have a choice, to stay where you are and be grumpy or rather accept the situation, or to try and as with most things apart from flying unaided or becoming a billionaire overnight, you’ll get there eventually if you keep trying. Either way it’s best not to whinge.

Anyway after that things get a bit hazy as I get introduced to the group that she’s with, which from what I remember is two English girls, two Argentinean girls and a couple of Argentinean guys. The beers and the music is kicking in and we all dance and sing along to the tunes. It’s at this point that I basically end up dancing with one of the Argentinean girls.

Around this time I start to feel guilty about the English-Indian girl I was talking to originally, but that’s the way the dice roll sometimes. Anyway I’m dancing with this girl and we’re having a good time and I basically start cracking on to her, doing the sexy dance, singing along to the tunes, getting sensual, pulling her in and smelling her neck, and yeah, after a while we end up kissing.

I don’t think we say much to each other up to this point. One of the first things she asks me is “Are you Ingliss?” “Yes.” “You don’t seem Ingliss.” “Why?” “Ingliss are shy.” That made me feel great. I love confounding cultural stereotypes – apart from the one that says South American women are hot and easy of course.

So we spend a bunch of time dancing and snogging. From time to time we break off and chat to others in the group. One of the English girls is going out with one of the Argentinean guys and she’s like the mother hen, but we get on really well. She’s looking out for her girl friend and the fact that we get on means that she’s supportive of it all.

Eventually the band stop playing and I feel like she wants to talk and to get to know me better. So I take her outside and we sit down and chat and snog. She tells me that someone close to her mum has died recently and she’s in an uncertain place mentally. There’s not much I can say other than to sympathise. She shows me some drawings that the kids of this person drew for her, which was nice. We bonded over that somehow. Luckily she didn’t dwell on it and the conversation moved on. We continued to kiss and at one point I put her hand on my semi through my shorts which she seemed to like. We eventually head back into the main room and then she and the mother hen go away for some chick talk. I talk to the Argentinean guy who is with the mother hen. He is a cool guy. I explain to him about chick talk and how it works which I think he was impressed by. We had a good chat at any rate, and then the mother hen waved me over.

“Will you look after her?” she asked.
“No of course not. I’m going to take her up a dark alley and rape her ass until it bleeds, then smash her head against a brick wall,” I explained.
...
Oh I make myself laugh sometimes. I didn’t say that of course. “Of course I will,” I said. We were good to go.

I led her out of the hostel and asked if she had any protection. She didn’t, so I popped into my hostel and got some. “Do you know anywhere we can go?” I asked. Luckily she did – fucking in a dorm isn’t the best idea. We jumped in a taxi and she told the driver the address. It was a sex hotel. In fact it was called Hotel Horizontale which was quite amusing. I’d never been to one of those before and I was surprised how high quality it was (for 140 pesos, about 23 pounds). Yes there was a plastic covering under the bed, and yes two of the walls were covered in huge mirrors, there was a free condom by the bed and UV lights for some reason but everything else was really nice. A huge Jacuzzi at one end of the room, fresh towels and a nice TV and audio system.

PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICHES GUYS BECAUSE HERE COMES THE SEXY BIT. Don’t read this if you don’t want to know how it happened.

So we got undressed and down to business. But as ever I was getting performance issues. The little chap – perhaps I’ll call him Karlito, lol – wasn’t coming out to play yet a-fucking-gain. We kissed and fooled around a bit and I went down on her, but nothing happened for me. And eventually we went to sleep. It was nice to be in an air conditioned room for the first time in a few days – the dorm only has fans and they don’t work very well.

So we had a snooze and then eventually we woke up again. I was a bit uselessly stressing as I didn’t know what time it was and I didn’t want to stay past check out. But anyway once we were both awake we started kissing and Karlito got excited and finally behaved himself. I strapped in and got down to business – and promptly lasted about 30 seconds! At least this time I didn’t have any trouble getting it in, mainly because she guided it in herself. She knew what she was doing, which was good. Also she had this great way of caressing my buttocks with the back of her heels which was great. Anyway we hugged and caressed and then a while later I was ready to go again so once more unto the breach my friend as I strapped on another and went for it. I saw she had a big smile on her face as I entered her for the second time which was nice. To be honest the sex was OK but not that great, but then it never is until you have done it a bunch of times with someone I find. I lasted a bit longer, probably about 4 minutes or something. I don’t think she came but I think she enjoyed it. As we were lying there afterwards all I could think about was writing this LR. Is that wrong? Probably, yes!

THE AFTERMATH

We got up and used the great shower, got dressed and left. I took a picture of the room as it was so funny. I nicked a towel as I needed a spare for my travels! I took a picture of her as well although she wasn’t too keen. We said our goodbyes and left – and I walked in completely the wrong direction!

A couple of things to mention: I completely forgot her name, which is a bit embarrassing! And she was 19 years old. Yep you read that right. A whole 14 years younger than me. I admit I did lie and said that I was 28 to make it sound a bit better! So she’s the youngest I’ve fucked by a long margin.

One other thing is that I managed to “upgrade” myself as it were, from one girl that was into me but not hot, to another that was hotter. I need to start fucking hotter girls in general and this was a step in the right direction thankfully.

And I have the Argentinean flag. That’s lay number 14. And that’s two in a month. And I’m two thirds of my way through my total from last year already. Things are looking good. I also like to think of this lay as payback for the 1986 Hand of God incident. But that's because I'm bitter and twisted.

Oh, good times my friends, good times. Welcome to South America.