Saturday, 27 November 2010

LR: Zeroes and Ones will take you there

So I’ve been experimenting with internet dating as I have trouble in clubs as I have bad hearing, so talking to people – even in pubs – is a problem for me. Plus by Friday I’m usually too tired to go out, so this is something I can do instead. So I found this girl on okcupid. She looked fairly OK, sounded fun, so I sent her a message. She’s 25, I’m 34. Meanwhile I made sure to pimp out my profile.

On OKC you can use a service where people will rate your photos, similar to hotornot, except all your photos are compared against each other so you know which ones are the hottest. Turns out the pic of me playing guitar and looking intense on a beach in Goa is my best pic. Which matches their research – pics of guys not smiling and looking away from the camera while doing something interesting get the highest rating. So I sent her a message. Here’s a copy of our messages, me in bold, her in italics.

I've included all this detail for people who think they have problems with text game as for me it's pretty straight forward (having fucked it up many times in the past) and I wanted to show how easy it is and how you don't have to use any special tricks really, just keep things warm and progressing in the right direction.

Also, there is more than one occasion in this interaction where it could be said that she flaked on me. But I think a lot of the time people need to realise that most people in London are busy and things can crop up at the last minute, and that if you're calm and keep things moving in the right direction you will still get there eventually.

I also deal with some of the sex issues that I've been having recently and end up having a great sex session with her having a massive orgasm.

So, back to the start:

Hi, I saw your profile and you look quite interesting. I like the bit about remembering random useless information. That's something that I do too! Hence being good at pub quizzes. Perhaps we should form a team and rinse every pub quiz in town and then run away with the winnings?

Anyway let me know what you're up to and how things are going.

Take it easy.

I do have a weakness for pub quizzes and tea. We could be an unbeatable force.
Things with me are going very nicely thank you for asking. Although I have a terrible cold I now have the beginnings of an incredible home made scarf and have court up on some terrible films.
How are things with you? I like the six things you can't do without [everyone puts "friends, family, music" etc., I put "carpets, unicorns, oxygen" etc.], though surely carpets can be replaced with socks? think about it.x

Sorry to hear about your cold - are you any better now? And I like your idea about socks. Perhaps with your awesome knitting skills you can knit me a pair? ;o)

So how about meeting up to go to a pub quiz one night? Sounds like a plan?

I'm back to full health thanks, though I'm still going to attempt to knit some socks.
I'm always up for a pub quiz. For me it sounds like a perfect plan.x

Cool, I know a good pub quiz that runs on Tuesday evenings - are you free?

I am indeed. Where is this good pub quiz?

It's in a pub in XXXX called The XXXX. It's a cozy little pub by the river with a nice vibe. How about we meet at XXXX tube at around 7.45?

That sounds great. I looked up the pub, it seems really nice. 7.45 at XXXX. My number is XXXX, just incase.x

Cool, my number is XXXX. By the way, what's your name? ;o) XXXX? Mine's XXXX. See you soon.

I'm looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.x

[She leaves a message on my phone saying she can't make it as she has to work late. Now, some people might see this as flaking, I see it as her having to work late]

Hey, got your message but left my phone at home today. Your work sucks! ;o)

Let's do it next week instead then, same deal as before, Tue 2 Nov, 7.45 at XXXX tube.

Thanks for understanding. Same plan but next week. Can't wait.x

Cool. Are you on facebook by the way?

[I wanted to see more pics of her]

I am. I'm XXXX. Only one of me. Feel free to add me.x

Ah snap, [personal info]! I'm XXXX. I'll add you.

All the cool kids have [personal info].x

Very true. Had a good weekend. We had a halloween house party ... cleaning up on Sunday was an effort!

Sounds fun, I love Halloween. See you tomorrow.x

[so we set a date and the convo moved to text]

Hey, hope you’ve been learning your facts!

I already know them. OK which station are we meeting at?

XXXX – give me a call when you get there

Great, see you later

So we meet, and go to the pub quiz. We actually arrive too late to join in, so we just grab some drinks and have a chat. While the quiz is going on I keep getting distracted by the questions so I'll suddenly stop in the middle of the convo and say "Ultravox, Vienna" (one of the answers). I guess this makes for a less than ideal vibe but I could tell that she needed some "getting to know you" time and that not much was going to happen tonight. There was only very minimal kino but we vibed pretty well and had lots in common. Plus she was impressed with my knowledge so things were going in the right direction. Here are the texts after that meeting.

Hey how’s it going? Had fun the other night. By the way, do you have Stranger than Fiction on DVD?

[We had talked about this film as she really liked it and I hadn't seen it, so I thought that would be a good excuse to meet up again]

Hey. Things with me are good thanks. I had a great time on Tuesday. How are you? Oh and of course I have stranger than fiction.x

Hey yeah having a good time went out in Clapham last night, now having a nice relaxing Sat in front of the TV! I reckon we should have an evening watching Stranger than Fiction – what evening do you have free next week?

I had the same type of Saturday after a hectic bonfire night. I agree about stranger than fiction, I think I need to educate you a little :) I think I have Thursday free but have to double check.x

After double checking I only have tomorrow free. I seem to have a very hectic week ahead.x

OK shall we go for tomorrow then? Do you want to go to your place or mine? X

Your place. What time should I come over?x

Shit, better tidy up my room then! Come round for 8.30 I reckon. The address is XXXX but call me when you get to XXXX tube then I can walk you there

Hi, would you mind terribly if we postpone tonight? I just discovered one of my best friends is off to newyork for 6 weeks on Friday. You can choose any day from Sunday. I’ll bring popcorn to make up for it :)

[Would some people see this as flaking again? Perhaps, but I took it at face value. Plus as I've arranged to meet at my place it means I haven't lost any time. And she's keen to make up for it, so she's obviously not playing hard to get]

Hey no worries, just don’t do it again! And you lose 10 points! So I can do Tue or Thu next week, let me know.x

I’m not normally this busy :(

I promise I won’t do it again and will earn those 10 points back. Shall we do next Thursday week?x

Hey how was your weekend? I was in Copenhagen, it was damn expensive!

My weekend was good thankyou. Nothing as exciting as yours though. Are we still on for Thursday. I’m looking forward to it.x

Yep still on for Thurs!x

Great! What type of popcorn do you prefer?x

I like sweet popcorn x

Hey what time are you heading over tonight?

Lost message, confirms time

Yeah sure no probs

Gimme a call when you get to XXXX

So we watch the DVD. While watching it I do very light kino but nothing special. I'm kinda wondering whether it's on or not. After it finishes I simply turn to her and say "C'mere" and start kissing her, which progresses to a heavy make out session (we are in my room watching the DVD on my bed after all). I start escalating things further by trying to take her clothes off. She says that things are going too fast, it's only the second date after all and I can tell this is out of her reality. I play it cool as I know she's mine, just need to pace it right. We continue heavy make out for some time and I can feel she's hot and wet. All the time I'm talking complete filth into her ear, telling her that I want to fuck her hard with my big hard cock, that she's so hot and wet for me, that I'm going to make her come harder than she's ever come before. She's saving herself due to social conditioning, she'll give herself to me next time. As we leave we arrange to meet on Sunday.

Hola chica! Hope you’re having a weekend of total awesomeness. What time are you coming round tonight & do you wanna eat?

I didn’t think you wanted to meet tonight. You last only said maybe.

[That's not what I remember, but clearly for whatever reason there's been some miscommunication. Flaking again? No, just a mistake. Just have to deal with the situation as it is.]

Oh I thought I did. Do you wanna come?

I did but made other plans when I though it wasn’t happening :(

Doh! Ok how about Thurs?

Thursday could be good :)

OK make a note in your diary, Thursday: it’s on like donkey kong!

How cold is it today?! Just spoke to a friend in Dubai, he’s in a swimming pool the bastard!

I’m liking the freshness :)

Just got myself a new job. Yay!

[These last few texts are all true by the way, and good excuses to keep things warm.]

Well done!x

Do you want to come over for food? If so get here for 7.30 / 8

Will do

Cool. Bring some wine!

So she comes over to mine again, and we're on the bed again watching DVDs. She's into sci-fi and she's never seen Doctor Who which I'm a big fan of, so I show her the first two episodes from when the series restarted in 2005.

Again there's not loads of kino during the DVD, and I doubt myself occasionally while we're watching. But after the second episode I pause it and we go back to making out.


So the clothes slowly come off and she's getting excited. I'm hard so I get a condom out but by the time I'm ready to put it on I've gone soft again. She tries to suck me off but that doesn't help either, so I tell her to stop and we go back to normal heavy make out. I've read up on this problem as I've had it before and I know that I just need to relax and take things slowly. I help myself by focussing on my breathing and taking long, deep breaths through my nose.

My hands start to wonder and after a while I'm slowly fingering her and rubbing her clit with her pussy juices. She's moaning and breathing heavy and I get hard again. I strap on a condom and slide my cock into her hot, wet pussy. We start fucking nice and slow and slowly build up the tempo. All the time I'm talking absolute filth into her ear, telling her how hot and wet she is for me, how she loves having my big hard cock inside her (incidentally my cock is average size, but I tell chicks this anyway and they love it) and a few things I've never said to a girl before, like her pussy is mine and she only wants my cock in her. Cheeky stuff I know! So we're getting harder and faster and I'm grabbing her and pushing her around and she's loving it. She's saying "Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me hard" when she can get a word out as she's finding it hard to speak.

As well as getting hard I've had problems lasting long, and thankfully I last longer than my normal few minutes, but not much longer. As I climax I get quite vocal and she reciprocates and she has a massive orgasm shortly after I come. I'm still inside her and moving slowly, she says something but I can't hear it as she can't speak for coming! Then she finally gets the words out: "Stop moving" lol. I do, and she continues her orgasm, unable to move or speak.


After a few minutes she calms down. The first thing she says afterwards is "I'm speechless" which, as she's normally quite a sparky, sarcastic girl says a lot. She takes her time to recover and we hug and cuddle. I feel good inside.

Looks like a good future with this one.

The two main points from this:

- Flaking sometimes isn't flaking, just keep things moving in the right direction
- I've managed to pretty much solve my sex problems which is a great relief for me

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Stephen Fry and female sexuality

OK so I haven’t posted in a long time. Mainly because I haven’t been laid in a while. More about that later. But in the meantime I wanted to post some commentary.

Stephen Fry has been in hot, or perhaps luke-warm, water recently because he joked that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men.

Naturally he was criticised as since he is a gay man, how could he know what sexual experience is like for women? Although he has had sex with one woman according to his autobiography, that still isn’t much to go on.

They have a point. But I can totally understand why he said what he did. For two reasons. Firstly, for a wide variety of reasons both social and biological, it is against a woman’s best interests to go around publically expressing her sexual desires without inhibition. We can talk a long time about why this is so, but a quick way to explain this is: would a high-status, attractive man who does well with women want to have sex with a woman that was known to be a slut? If she was very hot then probably yes, but 99% of the time the answer would be no.

Secondly, we have to understand the perspective that Stephen Fry is coming from. He’s a gay man, obviously, and the male gay community is, generally, very promiscuous. Thinking about male-female sexual behaviours, the general consensus is that guys want to fuck as many people as possible, and girls want to be seen to be classy, hard to get, looking for the special man etc. This is a cliché and not 100% true all of the time but we are all aware of the social norms.

Now imagine that you took women out of this equation and men just had sex with other men. As gay people do. What you have is promiscuous people chasing other promiscuous people. It’s like promiscuity squared. That’s a lot of promiscuity and a lot of sex. Just go to the toilets of any gay club. Actually don’t. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, fill your boots.

Another factor of Stephen Fry’s context is that he lives in the world of comedy, and if you look at the narratives that run through the majority of comedic routines about male-female relations, they often talk about how horny men are, how hard it is to get laid, and how their wives / girlfriends don’t enjoy sex, for a kind of sympathy oh-it-happens-to-me-too kind of laugh. If you were a gay man with little knowledge of female sexuality you might get the wrong impression – although I’m sure this impression is true for a large section of society, unfortunately.

So from Stephen Fry’s perspective you have gay male society, which is full of a truck load of sex, and then straight society, which is full of some sex but less in comparison. What’s the differing factor between the two? Women. So it appears to a gay man – and appearance is the important word here – that women don’t like sex as much as gay men.

But as I mentioned this is an appearance. There are various social factors that mean that women don’t appear to enjoy sex as much as men, or don’t feel they can express themselves that way. And no doubt some women are like that in reality. Ann Widdicombe springs to mind, and I wish she wouldn’t.

But it’s not true. Frankly there is one phrase that easily counteracts the “women don’t like sex” argument in a stroke: Multiple orgasms. That alone should end the argument.

The times in the past when I’ve been fucking my girlfriends and after the session, she’s practically passed out on the bed, unable to move, legs twitching, because I’ve fucked her so hard and she’s came so hard and so many times, how could you ever think that women don’t enjoy sex?

Now I’ve seen statistics that say that only a small percentage of women experience multiple orgasms, and that’s a depressing thought. Hopefully we are doing all we can to rectify that! But it is possible and I will always hate god for not letting us men have them too.

But I have luckily known a number of women who privately, as friends, have been open about their sexuality and what they think and feel, and there is no doubt that they enjoy sex as much, if not more, than men. They want the good looking guys. They want the confident, social guys. They want the guys with the big cocks (but not too big as that can hurt, so I've been told). When they have sex, they want to have it again, they want it more. They get horny. They go out and have one night stands, though perhaps they don’t talk about it as much as guys do.

And yes they want to settle down and they like romance and all that, but just because they want all the extra stuff it doesn’t mean they don’t want the sex too.

So unfortunately you’d have to say that Stephen Fry is wrong and that you can understand why he is wrong. It is what it is. But he’s gone off in a huff and perhaps he shouldn’t be such a big gay.


Sunday, 1 August 2010

Look Around You

Well I've had a big kick up the butt recently. At the start of the year I was on a roll, with four lays including two in two days. And then things petered out a bit as I was travelling and for some reason was constantly low energy probably through not getting enough sleep. But it meant that I didn't get any more lays, although there were a few chances that I missed for various reasons.

Then I return home and I have a new flatmate who is a cool guy and a good friend, tall, good looking, and an unrefined natural who has two regular fuck buddies and picks up the other occasional chick here and there too. Anyway, this guy set my jealousy alarms off and I knew I had to give myself a kick up the butt to do something about my situation. I knew I had to put the effort in because frankly that's the only way you can become good at this.

So I've been contacting a few people on the LSS and have been finding new wings (I do have some old wings but I think I need a breath of fresh air as it were, plus people who are better than me rather than the same or worse so I can improve).

So I met up with Leo and Gianni on Thursday and we had some fun getting back into the swing of things and practicing opening, though not with many results, just experience. I also saw Robert Popper on the street, and I'd be surprised if anyone knows who he is. He called me a stalker on Twitter. But it was good fun and good practice and I look forward to going out with those guys again.

Then on Saturday I met up with Andres and two of his friends to do a day game bootcamp. I was feeling a little spaced out and tired which is strange, as although I usually smoke a lot of weed I hadn't for a week, but anyway these things happen. I also wanted to do day game as I had tried it on my own before and found it really hard and depressing, and I knew I wanted to break through that mental barrier and hopefully improve.

Andres is a very straightforward kind of guy with some basic, sensible, practical information on how and what to do. He is German after all. We had a briefing session where he talked through the main points to focus on when opening in day game. I didn't find him patronising or insincere like I have with some other trainers that I have met in the past. I made sure I had a completely clear mind, mainly as it helps me ignore any anxiety I might have, but also I knew I had to put my trust in both his instruction and the learning process to learn, gain the experience and improve.

Once the briefing was over we went out and practiced stopping girls in the street. I wasn't very good at first and it took me a few goes to get the right timing and movement to successfully stop the girls. There were a few girls who I completely shocked which was a bit funny! I felt sorry for them as it can't be great being surprised like that. Luckily they didn't think I was a psycho or anything.

Anyway after a few goes I was getting the hang of stopping them and saying my opener. Oh yeah, I had never really given a direct opener before and I always had problems with it as often I thought it would come across as insincere (I know, it sounds strange to say that now). So without thinking about it on the day I forgot my anxiety and I was saying my direct openers and to be honest, totally against my expectations almost all the girls were really open to it. I then found myself running out of things to say a few times but worked on that a bit and more or less got the hang of that as well.

Then we were in Leicester Square of all places and ended up stopping this short cute chick who I didn't think was that hot from behind but when I spoke to her she had a really cute face. She was really open and friendly and we had a short chat about what she did - she was a translator. So as things were going well I thought I would ask her for her number so I told her we should go out for a drink sometime and got her to put her number in my phone. I then gave her a missed call and parted ways, I think I gave her a hug before she left, I can't remember.

Anyway a few approaches later we were in Trafalgar Square and I ended up stopping this Italian chick who was quite small and had a nice body but average face (I think, she had large shades on). Anyway we got talking and I thought I'd ask her out for a drink by asking her if she liked coffee (being Italian and all). Turns out she didn't but is a big fan of tea. So I teased her by asking if she was actually English in disguise and all that. Anyway I lied and said I knew an excellent tea shop which we should go and visit sometime (I didn't, but now thanks to Google I do! Thank you Google. Thoogle*) so we exchange numbers for that.

Soon afterwards I had to leave to get something to eat before meeting up with an old friend that evening. But it was a good session. I have been texting both girls since then and I'm meeting up with them this coming week. I still need some refinement in my technique but the basics are already there. I need to see if I can do it on my own which will be a challenge but I need to make that next step. I have to make the effort after all. One thing I want to do is practice opening girls in my lunch break. I find the idea really hard, but how hard can it be? Let's find out.

So in review then for Serdna I think he's a pretty good coach and pretty cheap so I would recommend anyone who wants to get good at day game to give him a try.

A few thoughts from the day:

- Put in the effort
- Be open-minded and trust in the process
- Challenge yourself

* It's an obscure reference.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

LR: What She Asked of Me at the End of the Night, Caligula Would Have Blushed

It was actually the day after carnaval ended and the Aussies wanted to see the Flamengo versus Botafoga game at the Maracenã stadium but I wasn’t that keen. We couldn’t find tickets anyway and as it happened, it was for the best. We found a sports bar near where we were staying and headed out there. The match was on and simultaneously there was a very good cover band playing 60s and 70s rock songs, highlights being Black Magic Woman and Black by Pearl Jam.

Aussie flatmate, being Aussie, eventually gets talking to two Brazilian chicks who are sitting near us. The other Aussie joins in, while I am distracted by the end of the match and the band. Eventually I remember to join in. At first I make no impression at all and feel like an awkward spare limb, and it’s at times like this in the past that I would have given up and felt shit while I saw others get the action that I wanted, only making things worse.

However now I know that when this happens, it’s not the end, there’s always more of a chance, and the reality is that no one has noticed anyway so it doesn’t matter. All it requires is persistence. So I bide my time and try joining in again and in a short time become part of the conversation.

There is a lot of general chit chat and amusement to be had. When the band plays Jumping Jack Flash I use that as an excuse to shamelessly nick one of Alan Davies improvisations of Mick Jagger dancing as though he was walking through lots of narrow doors. The girl I end up with loves it and tells me that I have a great imagination. Well I do, but she doesn’t need to know any different in this case.


Occasionally I pop out for a smoke and the other Aussie has started up talking to a very hot black-haired Irish bird who is completely wasted. As things progress he focuses on her which leaves me and flatmate Aussie with the two Brazilians.

Frankly I’m not escalating, just taking things easy, and having fun. The girls are into us and that’s cool. And then I notice that Aussie flatmate is holding hands with one of the chicks, and before long, they’re making out. Again it shakes me a little as I’m now the one doing normal conversation while my mate is getting his freak on. I mentally do a few things. Firstly I ignore the insecurity. Then I make sure to maintain the conversation with my girl. Who, frankly, is the hotter of the two. A kind of Greco-Roman looking face and slim, beautiful body. Then I work out how I can sexually escalate. I haven’t done much sexual escalation the whole night. Another insecurity I have and which pops up here is not to copy other people, which is bullshit as it’s restricting my options, so again I ignore this.

In the end I just keep on cracking jokes and making her feel good emotions, and finally I take my chance and go in for the kiss. She goes for it too and it’s all good. She’s a toothy kisser which isn’t my favourite – I like a girl to use her lips almost exclusively – but I go with it. We get hot and heavy and do a bit of light biting which I am becoming a big fan of, and caress her all over with my hands.

It’s all good and we have fun. But she doesn’t allow me to touch her breasts or get anywhere near her pussy, so things are a bit cool. But I caress her breasts with my chest anyway – another favourite trick and one that helps with getting passionate as it uses the whole body – and she loves it.

So the night is drawing to a close and frankly, after all the previous days’ carnaval excesses and illnesses, by the time it gets to 3 a.m. I’m just about ready to die. We all get into Aussie flatmate’s girl’s car and drop off my girl and then drop off me and other Aussie at our hotel. Aussie flatmate and his girl go to a sex hotel and do “pretty much everything” including anal and her rimming him. We have all exchanged emails as a group and I’m still in Rio the next few days so I can meet up with them again soon, and we make plans to. Oh yeah, they weren’t drinking the whole night – they were completely sober (unlike us).

So the next day I thought I had booked another hostel in Rio, and though technically it was in Rio city, it was about an hour’s drive out of the centre and not somewhere I could get to and from easily. So I spent a couple of nights there chilling out and recovering from the excesses from the previous week. Eventually I returned to Rio proper and arranged to meet up with this girl. For a while it didn’t happen – I called her one day and the phone line was so bad I couldn’t hear her at all and I didn’t manage to sort anything.

But via a process of email exchange we eventually met up on the morning of my last day in Rio. I went to her apartment which was a few blocks away from my hostel. Her place was really nice – three bedrooms in the heart of Copacabana, all to herself – and like a true carioca (someone from Rio) he had a small yapper-type dog that got massively overexcited when I arrived. So we met and we kissed – which pissed the dog off – and decided what to do. The beach it was, then.

So she drove me to the beach, not Copacabana but Leblon which is more or less the same but a bit less touristy. As we were driving I was thinking how awesome it was to be in Rio with some hot girl showing me around and experiencing life like a carioca. So we arrived at the beach and basically spent the whole day lounging under a parasol, jumping in the water from time to time, buying drinks and snacks from the vendors walking past, and kissing and caressing each other. The highlight was after we’d been in the sea once, we went to one of the beach showers and both showered under it while we made out big time in front of everyone. I love public displays of affection and luckily so did she. The whole day was an awesomely relaxing experience and at one point I even fell asleep. Rio is a beautiful city and none more so when on the beach. And the people are pretty hot too.

After that we went for a walk around the lake at sunset which was beautiful too, and then went back to the apartment and got naked – her dog had accepted me by now – but the same problem as ever surfaced. While kissing and undressing I’ll get hard, but as soon as the moment of truth arrives nothing happens. She was understanding and we decided to go to dinner instead.

After dinner I took a Cialis pill that the other Aussie had given me on his recommendation. Although I think that was a bit of bad timing as I’d just eaten a whole bunch of food and perhaps it wasn’t most effective taken in that way. Anyway after dinner we went for a walk along the beach and then back to her apartment for more fun and games.


The pill seemed to have some effect as I was able to get hard straight away and we got down to fucking. Though like before I only lasted a short time. I really need to stop wanking and get myself regular sex so I can get used to this shit. She was really funny about it – she said, you’re 33 (she’s 37), this shouldn’t be a problem for you! She has a point, but hey, we all have different challenges in life.

Anyway shortly after that I was ready to go again and gave me a bit of a blow job which was pretty good, even though she was a bit toothy – though thankfully not in a painful way. I then asked her if she wanted me to fuck her and she said I shouldn’t ask, which is of course correct, I should just do it. In fact I had been acting like a fag all day – maybe because she was showing me around and knew what to do, maybe because I was feeling tired and lazy, maybe because I’m a fag – and as a latina girl aged 37 she was very forthright about how she wanted to be treated.

Other examples included her wanting me to tell her what to do while she was giving a blow job, how hard to spank her butt, how she liked to be bitten, how roughly she wanted to be treated while we were having sex – pretty rough though not sadistic levels. Just hard, fast and rough. I’ve never been in a situation where the girl is so dominant before. But, hey, still got laid and that.

But anyway we fucked again and this time I lasted a bit longer and treated her nice and rough. After that we slept. I had to get up at 4 that morning to catch my flight to Ecuador. If I had been able to stay in Rio I’m sure we would have spent the next day fucking – the Cialis made me hard as I was sleeping on the plane!

One other funny thing she said was that she could feel my heart beat through my dick, and when I was about to come she could tell as my heart rate increased. Never heard that one before!


So the good points:

Brazilian flag, baby!
It’s my third lay in South America, and fourth this year (or fifth if you count the English girl I couldn’t fuck because I couldn’t get hard. It was a technical lay, right? Right!)
Spending a day with a hot chick on the beach, and the night in her apartment, is awesome. That sounds like some kind of fantasy I would have never considered possible only a couple of years ago.
I’m getting laid regularly while travelling, another goal of mine
16th lay.
She was into me in a big way, saying I was a cool guy and so on. Nice ego massaging.
I asked her why she found me attractive. She said there’s three ways to a girl’s heart. Money (I thought to myself, check), looks (yep, score on that one too) and humour (I guess). It was because I made her laugh, and was generally a fun guy to be around, that she went with me.

The bad points:

Jesus I’m crap in bed. Not being able to get it up and lasting a short time. Thing is, when I last had a girlfriend I was like that at the start but simply through regular practice both those problems disappeared. I think a combination of too much wanking and not enough regular sex is hindering me in this area. I can’t think of much to do to fix it apart from – get more regular sex, wank less or at least don’t make myself come so quickly, use Viagra or Cialis to help out on the odd occasion. And take Cialis before the meal not after!

I dedicate this lay to Alan Davies.

Carnaval, bitches!

Brazil. Home of the famous approach to topiary. Although they don’t call it that. I can’t remember what they do call it. Though I do know that the translation of “G-string” from Portuguese literally means “dental floss.”

But anyway, I digress. It’s carnaval time, baby, and what that means is spending so much money it hurts, drinking so much it hurts, and seeing so many Brazilians in various stages of undress and dancing to the incessant rhythms of the drums in a sexy way that it, uh, turns you on.

For this part of my journey I met up with two people, one a former Aussie flatmate of mine who has been back in Oz for a few years, the other his friend who I hadn’t met before. Flatmate Aussie is mixed race and therefore looks Brazilian, and is also a former Rugby League player so is built pretty big, although without any definition these days. But he still has an imposing physique. And as you would expect from someone from Australia, is a bit of a natural. He doesn’t always have the best quality – though sometimes he does – but he does have a consistent hit rate. But it’s not so much his physical attributes that serve him well, more his character, which is fun, sociable, occasionally self-depreciating, confident and sexual. I’ve basically nicked about 90% of my game from him.

The other Aussie is your typical rough-around-the-edges, tell-it-like-it-is, beer-drinking, sports-loving Aussie, randy as fuck and he has a good sense of humour. We all get along great and have a good laugh.

We started off in Salvador for carnaval. Salvador is the African heart of Brazil, and its carnaval is the most traditional. There’s different parts and we spent most of our time in the music-focussed part where you have one long route that many floats (called trios) go down. These are set up with massive sound systems, light displays, LED screens and the bands themselves, and they inch their way down the route and belting out the frenetic, intoxicating, drum-led axé music (pronounced a-SHAY). On the sides of the street there are things called camarotes (pronounced ka-ma-ROSH) that have balconies where you can look over the streets, as well as areas behind that contain bars and a nightclub.

Anyway in terms of game for the three nights I was in Salvador I was completely off. Why? Because of context-led behaviour. You see, when Aussie flatmate was actually my flatmate, he was out shagging his way through London town while I was fretting away, still insecure, trying to work out how to put this all together. And so when I was back in his presence, the old me returned and I found it hard to act in the way that I knew could. Having said that, early on the first night I we were all dancing in the nightclub bit and there were at least four hot chicks nearby that no one was doing anything about. I couldn’t let it go and had quick dance with them, though nothing came of it (not sure why).

Later on the Aussies hook up with some Aussie chicks and were very Aussie with them, and I felt myself out on a limb. I was pretty drunk by this stage – did I mention there was a free bar included in the ticket price? – and I was also distracted by how good looking the men were here. Jesus they like to work out a lot too. Plus the music is just great fun.

For the next two nights I was so wasted from the excesses of the first night, plus lack of sleep and food, plus a bit of stomach badness, that I was in no mood to do anything game-wise. I was more concerned about not getting stupidly wasted. Arriving in Rio we were all feeling the pain and for the first night we went to bed really early. The second night wasn’t much better and although we wondered around Copacabana beach for a bit we didn’t really find any happening places and quit pretty early again.

The third night we find out that Ipanema’s the place to be, but when we get there it’s full of gays – as Aussie flatmate said, he’d never seen so many black fags in one place before. It was enough to make your eyes water.

So we quickly ensconced ourselves in an Irish pub that’s showing the Champions League and watch a bit of football. At one point an obnoxious Irish guy joins our table but from him we find out about a big nightclub thing that is happening at a marina in the posh part of town. We sort our shit out and head down there.

Armin van Buuren, a top trance DJ, is playing and the music and the atmosphere is absolutely awesome. There are loads of people on it and despite a couple of attempts to source narcotics we don’t find any, so alcohol it is. Probably for the best, all things considered. For me anyway.

However the women here are HOT HOT HOT!!! This is clearly top class Brazilian society, and the girls reflect that. Like the best that Southern Europe has to offer, mostly dyed blonde. But despite chatting to a few of them, the vast majority simply don’t want to know. Most probably on my part as I was a bit of a mess, hair all over the place and drunk, but there was no shagging or snogging for any of us that night.

So that night was Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday, a.k.a. Shrove Tuesday) and it marked the end of carnaval. No one got laid. BUT, what happened on the next night was a different story.