There Goes the Fear

So Liam arranges a Brick Lane session again. I drive out there again even though I’m drinking. I think I now prefer sarging more or less sober as I’m more in control and can really experience what’s going on, calibrate and learn from it. I meet Liam and Jon in Exit and they are a bit low energy again. I try to enjoy myself, we’re here to have fun and I like to have fun. I guess this is self amusement. OK let’s pause.

Growing up in my twenties in London, I was more or less concerned with experiencing the hedonistic pleasures available for those that choose them. As you can probably guess alcohol and drugs played a large part in that. Also going out. I wanted to go out a lot. I had a saying, “If in doubt, always go out.” That’s because for a shy, insecure person like me, it was an effort. I remember the first time I went to a nightclub, and the sheer overwhelming fear and disorientation I experienced. But I stuck with it.

So I went out a lot. But I didn’t enjoy it. It seemed a bit of an effort. I tried to get my fun from other people. And I wasn’t getting that other bit of hedonism that I was mainly missing out on – sex. Insecurity about my seduction abilities also meant that I wasn’t enjoying myself when going out.

Things got really bad and I ended up addicted to drugs and clinically depressed. Luckily I managed to quite easily get myself out of that situation and back on track. I was in a flat share and every few months one flatmate would move out and another would join. An Aussie guy moved in, who also liked to go out, but, noticeably, had a lot of fun, and usually it only involved alcohol.

Anyway our senses of humour matched and we went out a lot. And then one day I noticed it. I was having fun. I was out in a bar (it was Elk Bar in Fulham, funnily enough), and I was actually having a good time. I was with good friends, some of whom were my flatmates. I didn’t care about seeking out drugs. I was drunk but not totally wasted. I didn’t really care about sex, but I was having fun. The epitome of “Don’t give a fuck.” And as any social artist will tell you everyone wants to be where the party’s at.

I got a couple of lays out of that period. The Aussie guy pulled a whole bunch of girls, though he frequently veered into “average quality” it was still better than nothing. And good practice, huh?

OK fast forward back to the main story. Going out sarging, like the night in Richmond, can be, for some people, a chore. It’s absolutely key, for me at least, to have fun. Now in the past I would have relied on other people to provide that. But these days I seem to be generating it more and more myself. Again it is the very essence of self-amusement. Frankly if I’m out on a weekend I want to fucking well enjoy myself. So I’ll find fun in anything and everything. Good music and a lively venue helps.

So despite the others walking their own path and being more chilled out, I made sure I was having fun. We went to Big Chill but it was filled mainly with guys. We stopped off briefly at Commercial Tavern but despite it having the best décor of any pub in the world, it’s not an easy place to meet random people, mainly as it’s so packed.

So we headed off to Cargo, a place that I’ve always loved and for me is probably the definitive original Shoreditch / Hoxton venue. It’s large, it plays cool music, there’s a lot of chicks and plenty of them are pretty hot.

Just after a while Jake arrives which is cool as we’ve not met in about six months and I had a lot of fun sarging with him last year. He reminded me of the random word opener game that we used to play, and the solid gold opener that came out of it: “Do you play Golf?” Awesome. We chat and catch up, I tell him how I rely on instant inspiration now for openers, though of course there’s a few that I end up using regularly – nationalities, situational are the main two. After all, that game was invented to learn the skill of inventing openers from seemingly useless situations.

To demonstrate I open the nearest girl I can find, easily a 7 Indian chick, who is texting. I use the dumping by text opener and I don’t get it quite right and it isn’t that smooth, but I have a chat anyway. I eject when her boyfriend returns…

Later I open a chubby chick on her own with a keyboard on her top – I ask her where the rest of the band is. We end up talking rubbish and by the time her friends arrive we’re doing David Attenborough impressions, which is actually quite hard in a noisy club…!

Later on we’re all standing next to a group of five pretty hot young looking chicks, who are all in party mode and enjoying themselves. Pretty much a hard set to open, but I go and do it anyway. It goes pretty badly but I stick in there just chatting lines to see if there’s a reaction. I think I start to turn the situation around a bit but then I eject.

Afterwards I find out that Jon had just opened them. Plus it looked like a lot of guys were sheepishly hanging around nearby. A tough set, but at least I did it. I should have stuck in there to see if they were up to my standard …

Jake then suggests we open two dyed blond girls that were fairly cute and whom Jake had spoken to earlier in the coat queue. As we approach them I actually get distracted by a girl sitting next to them and open her instead. She was wearing smooth black leggings so I ask her if she sprayed them on. We joke about how to wear them and I get to touch her legs and get things a bit sexual by talking about smearing her legs with oil… Anyway I jump out of that after a bit and rejoin Jake.

I chat shit about them being sisters given their hair and some random rubbish related to that. Anyway after a bit we eject and end up watching the band (the amusing Ou est le Swimming Pool?) for a bit. When we go to leave there I notice that the blond girls are standing behind us. Proximity factor set to full? Aye-aye, cap’n!

Jake has to go and we find the others in the coat queue. We leave, Jake goes home, the rest of us head off to Light Bar but it’s pretty empty. I open a girl in a large group that look like they’re having a lot of fun by asking them what they’re celebrating. Turns out that two of them are returning to Australia. I talk to one of them about the weather and sun. For some reason we start talking about Prince Charles. “You’re hotter than he is,” she says with a gleam in her eye. Wow. That makes me feel good. Unfortunately she’s not that hot. But still. Ego boost!

After that Liam leaves and Jon and I go to Big Chill for one last set. We have to jump over a table to get in as the bouncers are taking ages to throw some big guys out. Jon opens a large group of young girls, but they’re a bit closed off. They look barely 18. Fresh meat.

Jon challenges me to open two seated girls near us, one of which was pretty but plain, if that makes sense. Can’t remember what opener I use but my deliver isn’t that smooth and it goes OK but it’s not getting better. I eject.

Afterwards I notice a girl eyeing me up and I look directly back. She keeps looking at me. Another ego boost – though again she’s not that hot so I don’t approach. And that’s pretty much our night.

Thoughts

To quote Paul McCartney, “It’s getting better all the time.” Opening even more sets and staying in for slightly longer each day. Opening feels like fun. I’m having fun with the girls. They’re loving it. I can feel it, I can taste the future. I honestly can. I told Jon how happy I was feeling as we left last night, and I mean it.

I’m starting to see consistent progress and results. And again yes, objectively I’m not closing or getting laid, but it really is a case of one step at a time for me.

I’m now starting to see where I eject from sets and why I’m doing it, which basically boils down to if I stay in set I’ll fuck it up. Which is of course completely self-sabotaging. I can now feel myself pushing against that barrier. I’ve seen myself stay in sets that aren’t doing well, and manage to start turning them around. After all shit tests and the like are there to see how much of a man you are. They’re there to judge where your inner game is at. If you’re going to take this on, you’re going to have to be the kind of man who can take this on. It’s a koan, deal with it. And that’s also great. Because these challenges change you. Improve you. Make you better. I’m probably feeling more confident now than I have at any other time in my life, and it feels awesome.