The Lark Ascending

Once again Friday was a write off so I stayed in for that. But I was well up for it on Saturday despite properly caning it in the gym. I was a bit tired but I could hold myself together so I didn’t have a problem with going out.

Once again I felt myself going through the same standard thought processes. Basically as I’m on my way from the car I get little twinges of negative emotion and thoughts; “What if I don’t know what to say?” “What if I don’t have enough energy?” and comparing myself to others and so on.

All of this stuff is of no use at all, and I’m getting better at sweeping it out of my mind. The first thing I remember to do is have fun. The second thing to remember is that if you are having negative thoughts, it is totally possible to get out of them. Being able to relax and be happy is something that can come with practice over time. The third is an affirmation: “I am good with girls.” It’s simple but it seems to work. I did the same with “I am good looking” as I used to think I wasn’t that great in the looks department. But now I know I’m pretty hot. Lol.

So I mentally sort myself out. I meet Jon and Liam in Bar Music Hall, but it’s really loud and the guys are sitting on chairs away from the action. I have a beer to warm myself up, but we decide to move on to Queen of Hoxton. It would have been easy to get into negative thought patterns here as well, but I was patient and knew I would be opening shortly.

At the next venue we have to pay £6 to get in and from the door it looks like there are lots of girls. When we get in it isn’t as busy as I’d hoped but there were still a fair few girls there. We get a drink and I position us by a group of five girls. I’m trying to think of an opener but nothing jumps out.

I’ve noticed recently that I have to believe in my opener to make it work. It can be any opener – situational, a joke, the perennial Pirates versus Ninjas – but I’ve got to feel it in some way. It’s hard to describe exactly what I mean but I know when it’s right and I know when it’s working.

Anyway I verbalise my problem by mentioning it to Liam: “I’m trying to think of an opener but can’t think of one that would work.” Well a problem shared is a problem halved. Talking about it and thinking about it gets my subconscious working and then it pops into my head – “You guys look like you’re celebrating something, what’s the occasion?”

Well they weren’t celebrating anything, they were just a group of friends drinking cocktails. That was OK, we just fluffed a bit and continued talking, moving the conversation on. The girl nearest to me and the one I was talking to was Irish from Dublin and very friendly, as are most Irish girls I find.

I had a bit of a chat with her, and she even brought Liam and Jon into set, though they didn’t stick. This looked a bit incongruous to her actually, as she was like, “Who are your friends?” “Where have the wondered off too?” (when they left the set). I guess the social calibration of someone like that is mainly based around sticking with your friends etc.

Anyway the one I was talking to wasn’t that hot, quite pretty but a little chubby. There was one Cheryl Cole lookalike in the group but I never engineered the situation so I was talking to her.

The one I was talking to was only in town for the weekend so I didn’t bother to get her number. I found the others again downstairs where not much was happening. There were two girls seated nearby who were just asking to be opened. They were blonde, slim, relatively average looking but not ugly. Once again it took me a short while to think of an opener, but I quickly came up with “What time does it get busy in here?” as the downstairs bar was a bit empty.

They didn’t know but we started talking about the bar and the music. I wasn’t feeling this one too much as they weren’t that hot, plus the seating situation logistics weren’t that favourable. I ejected after a few minutes.

Back upstairs again we were hanging out, and I went to the bar. While I was there I bumped into the Irish girl again and we started chatting. She actually bought my drink for me which was kind, even if it was only a coke. I didn’t think about it until later but this was clearly a big signal – it’s not every day that a girl buys you a drink. At the time I put it down to Irish hospitality.

Back with the guys Liam opened a couple of girls that were standing nearby. He was doing pretty well and they were interested in us but Liam didn’t seem to be reading the situation too well and wasn’t matching the energy. We all had a bit of a chat and I teased them a bit. Liam gave them a sort of inadvertent back turn and after a bit they went off to the bar. They tapped him on the shoulder to say bye but he just ignored them!

After that Liam and Jon wanted to leave. It was nearly midnight and my tiredness was catching up with me. We all made a break for it.

The rest of the weekend was spent sleeping and at home with various relatives including my first cousin once removed.

A good frame that I’m using at the moment which I found on RSD Foundations is to see it as “learning to talk to girls.” This is a skill after all and the best way to develop a skill is through practice and experience. Seeing every interaction as a chance to successfully bank in more experience is great for keeping me in a positive frame of mind and not putting pressure on myself. After all, if you talk to one hundred, two hundred girls, you will have no choice but to pick up what works and what doesn’t, get better at flirting and pick up in general. That’s definitely where I’m at right now.

I used just to stick to “normal” conversations about day-to-day stuff. Now I’m getting in more teasing, more flirting, more sexual suggestions and more kino. Still loads more to do but I’m getting there. Plus I’m beginning to see patterns as to how girls react, what to do next and so on. It’s slowly unravelling.

The biggest thing about this for me is that it does involve wholesale personality changes. But these changes are possible and they will come over time. It’s often the case that while I’m in set I’ll have a negative belief or not know what to say, or feel like I’m stuck at some point in the interaction. At these times I often feel like there is a wall preventing me from moving forward.

More recently I’ve become aware of this imaginary wall and can consciously break through it. After all it’s totally within my control (though sometimes unconscious) and a self-imposed limitation at the end of the day. It works like this:

Learning to talk to girls > gaining experience and skills > breaking through self-imposed limitations > wholesale personality change.

The big changes – in self-confidence, self-esteem, positive attitude – are slowly coming to me.