So last night I had a minor revelation along the lines of this previous post. I was stoned once again, I had been to the chiropractors earlier in the evening (I mention this as it’s sorting out my posture problems, and if you believe that tensions in the body can reflect tensions in the mind, and that affecting one will affect the other, this has relevance), and late in the evening I started getting introspective.
The thing is, I’m a little bit gay. It’s not easy to admit though I have discussed it with a few close friends in the past, but I find men attractive. This is a bit of a problem for me, as I don’t want to be gay. But is that true, am I really gay? It’s a question that I have kind of avoided answering, probably because I was scared of what the answer might be. But last night I decided to see if I could answer that question once and for all.
I sat on my bed and thought, am I gay? Well like I said I find men attractive. What that means is that when I see a good looking man, it’s like a mild shock. But then I thought about it more, did I want to have sex with these people? Well, frankly, no. I certainly don’t want anyone fucking me up the ass, and I have no desire to fuck another guy up the ass. It does make me feel ill. I needn’t have been worried.
But there is an additional concern, one which I’ve written about before, which is that sometimes I have a problem with getting it up when having sexy times with women. I’ve often thought that that might be a reflection of my sexuality. And it is a concern for me. So I decided to analyse the thought “I have trouble getting aroused when sexually escalating with women,” by using The Work of Byron Katie (much recommended for inner game BTW). Is it true? Well fuck no!
Side FR
A few weeks ago my email account got hacked. Stupidly my password was a common word followed by one number and no special characters. Anyway the hacker / bot sent out an email to my entire address book with some spam. Obviously it looked like it came from me so I had to send out an email to everyone again letting them know the email hadn’t come from me and to say sorry.
Anyway the upshot of all of this is a handful of people I hadn’t been in contact with for a while got back in contact with me. Which is nice. Every cloud, eh? Now one of these people was a girl I picked up about five years ago. I met her in Mother bar in Shoreditch, she was Colombian, hot sexy body, light brown skin, unusual face – kind of Aztecy in a way, not classically beautiful though.
Anyway we went on a few dates and snogged but she had hang ups about sex due to an aggressive father. Despite that I managed to get her down to her bra and knickers in bed, frantically rubbing herself against my hard cock while she came from clitoral stimulation. I had to clean myself up with tissues. Not quite proper sex but still. It was pretty hot.
Anyway I didn’t want to fuck her then because of her issues and frankly I wanted her to deal with them on her own terms, it wasn’t my responsibility after all. So we stopped seeing each other. Fast forward five years or so and she gets back in contact after the hack, and after I finish being busy at work we decide to meet up.
That was the day before last night. We just had a couple of drinks and talked and caught up about what had happened in our lives since we last met. We talked about Colombia and where I should visit when I go there next year. She still had the same hot body, despite being 38 now(!). I was still attracted to her. We talked about relationships, which of course I led into talking about sex. We were lightly touching each other, she fiddled subconsciously with my wrist bands. After one drink I hinted at calling it a night, she went to buy a second. To cut a short story shorter, at the end of the night we kissed, and she didn’t want to stop. It made me hard and afterwards I went home and had a legendary wank.
One thing to notice about this is how common this sort of experience is for me now. Met with girl, kissed her. It happens, and I know how to make it happen. This is good.
So the point of all this is how short our memories can be – only the next night I was wondering if I really found women attractive. Well the evidence of the previous night was that of course I do! I’ve had girlfriends, I’ve had a bunch of lays, I’ve got hard and fucked them all. It’s just that sometimes I don’t, but that’s not every time and it’s not what defines my sexuality.
So let’s get back to The Work.
“I have trouble getting aroused when sexually escalating with women,”
Is it true? No
How do I feel when I think that thought? Anxious, annoyed, concerned about my sexuality. Insecure.
What would life be like if I didn’t think that thought? I’d have a roaring sex drive and go after every woman I liked, I wouldn’t be afraid of escalating, I’d be like a dog on heat, I’d be a stud, I’d be getting tons of pussy. I’d be a man, a player, a pimp. I’d be raw sexuality personified.
And the turn around. “I easily get aroused when sexually escalating with women.” Is that true? Yes, look at the example above. That’s all I needed to know.
But there is another reason why I have performance issues. I think it comes from when I was growing up, I was very anti the mainstream of social behaviour – I had rejected standard male behaviour as I wasn’t into football, girls, being alpha in the school context. I had rejected all of that. And as a result I had rejected the (as I saw it) crass, aggressive pursuit of women that everyone seemed to espouse (indeed that line of thought is reinforced regularly in some places, for example various articles in the Grauniad). Instead I focussed on how bad this was: it led to rape, violence, I only focussed on all the negative aspects of uncontrolled male (straight) sexuality.
I had created this belief that “male-led sexuality” (for want of a better term) was a bad thing. But it’s not! It simply isn’t! Of course there is a line of behaviour which no one should cross (and we can argue the dynamics of where that should be and how to measure it for ever) but at the end of the day, what the female sexuality requires is a man to lead and excite them, and everybody wins (frankly, with the clitoris and multiple orgasm, I think they get more out of the deal, but that’s another story).
So the conclusions I drew are to focus on these two thoughts, and reaffirm to myself how true they are, and the evidence from the world that supports them:
Girls make me horny.
Sex is a great thing for humanity.
As a foot note, the increased awareness that I experienced from having this clarity of thought meant that I didn’t want to smoke more weed – it’s as if I knew it was bad for me and I physically couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is a good sign, however you’ll be pleased to know that I did eventually. Still, it was an interesting moment.
Friday 27 November 2009
Sunday 15 November 2009
I got Lust for Life... Woo!
OK so I haven’t posted anything for ages, mainly because I haven’t been out much recently. And any interactions I’ve had with girls has been written here anyway. The mathematical inference of all this is that my skills must have been getting better as otherwise the hit rate wouldn’t have gone up so much.
I have had the offer of going out sarging, my wings still text me from time to time, despite my lack of response. Which I’d like to thank them for! I’ve been making excuses. Frankly, I’ve been out enjoying myself with my friends.
It’s good for the soul. Having fun with people, enjoying their energy, them enjoying yours, can’t help but put you in a fantastic place emotionally. So often now people say I loved coming out with you guys, I had so much fun, I must get out more. Obviously it’s not just me that they’re talking about, but I know I’m part of it. It makes the ego feel great.
So I’m happier as a person, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life I can say categorically. Also I’ve been meditating properly. I was inspired by the back story of Aaron Sleazy, who mentioned that one of the things that was the basis of his rapid success was the fact that he practiced mediation to the point where he could sit for an hour without a thought coming into his head.
Now I’ve practiced meditative arts and know and put into practice the concepts behind meditation, and it has served me well. And I recommend it to everyone. But to be honest I never really seriously practiced actual proper meditation on a regular basis. I have a CD that aims to generate meditative brain waves through audio stimuli which I’ve used and had some effect from. But actual, proper meditation – sitting relaxed in a room with no disturbances trying to become aware as possible of your own consciousness, everything you feel, experience and think – I’ve kinda skipped on.
Until now. I bought a couple of books by Barry Long, specifically the one where he teaches you to meditate. I’ve been doing it. It has made me more aware, more able to control my mood and my state, more comfortable, less stressed (though I still get stressed and that’s OK), more sociable, and simply happier.
I noticed when I went on my holiday to Malaysia how much more developed I was in these areas than my friend was. I’ve mentioned before that he’s an AFC and pretty negative and all that, thing is, I used to be like that too. Now I notice how big the gap is between us. And also I think subconsciously he realised that he could change too. Anyway he said it was the best holiday he had been on, he enjoyed his time with me. And of course, this could all be bullshit, I don’t know what’s going on inside his head.
This awareness also extends to comedy. I’ve always been a fan of the more intellectual brand of TV comedy, but also I am a big fan of bad taste comedy, mainly because it forces your outside of your own comfort zone. Anyway, these years of study and the increased awareness I’ve experienced recently has meant that I can now apply that comedy in an improvisational way, although I always could in the past, it just comes easier and more consistent now.
The TV shows I’m talking about are Have I Got Even More News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (the way he deals with guests is awesome, though not everyone’s cup of tea). Those are the main ones that are showing right now. And also I should mention my friends and people I meet in general that have a great and amusing sense of humour. It’s all good.
So down to specifics. I went out. It had been a busy week at work, in fact we had a campaign launch on Friday and the fact that I got to leave the office with enough time to get home, eat and come out again says how smoothly that went. One notable thing is that I slept a lot. I changed my morning routine so that I ate breakfast at work and woke up at 8, so I had a lot more time in bed. Energy levels were good. And I wasn’t stressed from the work. I remember when we had the last thing signed off, I was like, was that it? That wasn’t stressful. This shit is easy! I put it down to the meditation.
So I got changed into my standard sarging uniform. Cool shoes (Converse) a nice shirt that fits me well, necklaces, everything matching. I reckoned I looked hot, and who’s to say I’m wrong? Oh, and I’m still going to the gym so I look pretty buff, if I do say so myself. I was feeling good, my ego was firing on all cylinders.
Took the tube to meet up with Liam. While I’m travelling I completely go into meditation, relaxing myself, thinking about nothing, chilling out, feeling good. I get to the bar just before Liam arrives, his trains have been a nightmare. We go get some drinks and do the standard catching up on our lives before sarging proper.
Warm up sets are important and while Liam goes to the loo I chat briefly to the barmaid and to the girl standing next to me. It’s just a warm up, but it’s so effective.
We get seats and catch up about stuff and talk about the usual pick up related subjects. We talking about a couple of interesting things. Liam had been reading Anthony Robbins and was talking about how much pressure to act NOW he puts in his advice. I remember reading that in the past and I find that it made me more stressful than motivated. Having said that, I don’t think it’s bad, it’s just that you need to act now from a place of calm and relaxation. You can push yourself too hard sometimes.
Another thing was how beneficial it was to read old field reports. You see that you’re often better at things than you remember or think you are. Which is so true. Reading the edited highlights of the last six fields reports always makes me think that I’m a pimp, haha. But it’s true, focussing on the successes makes it feel much easier to achieve. And you also notice patterns. Liam mentioned that he noticed that he kept on failing to do warm up sets. Yes, they are important.
I’m two drinks down and in a party mood. We go to Big Chill. Liam notices two Asian girls and is thinking about opening them. I think it’s a warm up set (every set is a warm up set). Rather than thinking about how to open them I know that I just need to speak to them to make them realise how awesome I am. I like to break PUA doctrine as often as I can because it makes you more flexible. I thought I’d open by tapping them on the shoulder from behind. Totally weird.
So I tapped the girl on the shoulder and she turned round. The first thing that popped into my head was, “My friend wants to talk to you.”
“What does he want to say?” she asked. I waved Liam over and explained the situation.
“Is my friend harassing you?” was his response, which was absolutely hilarious. However Liam later told me that he was really pissed off that I did this as he thought it made him look bad. Luckily the girls didn’t think so and we got talking to them.
I was immediately coming out with the funnies and having a laugh but I noticed that Liam was still a bit low energy so I backed off a bit as he had noticed the set and he’s got rice fever bad so it felt right to do that. We kinda chatted and swapped around a bit. There was one cute one and one unattractive one, but a nice girl all the same.
We were having fun and the girls were enjoying themselves. The cute one at one point tells me that I must be very confident to just start talking to someone like that. I hadn’t thought about it and I realised and explained that it was my belief that everyone is the same really and that everyone is cool, it’s just that you haven’t met them yet. As I said it I realised that that was honestly how I felt, and yeah I will admit that there are that 1% or less of people who aren’t worth spending time with, but they’re much rarer that you might think. But it’s true, the evidence is there to support it in my life. I’ve made loads of friends over the years and I don’t keep in regular contact with most of them. But when I do meet up with them it’s like we only last met yesterday. And then new people arrive in my life and I get to know them too.
I notice a hot short girl in a hat walks past and gives me the eye big time. Hmm.
I can’t remember how it ends but I think either they or we go to the bar to get a drink. Liam harangues me about my opener and I apologise. Liam spots another set of two girls, again one hot and one ugly. Liam thinks about opening. There’s a shady looking guy standing right next to them thinking about talking to them too. It was a race between him and Liam. I encourage him to open and eventually he does. The other guy instantly walks away, it was funny to watch.
I give Liam a bit of time to settle into the set before coming to join him. Turns out the girls are Dutch and unfortunately only over here for the weekend. But we have a good chat anyway. The hot one is a very hot, young looking, tall, blonde, blue eyed, slim, nice breasts, pretty piece of Dutch glory. Thinking about it now I can’t remember why I didn’t try to close her in some form. The Netherlands aren’t that far away. This is actually my lesson for the night. More on that later.
The same routine as with the Chinese girls happens. We talk, have fun, swap, then Liam ejects by going to the bar. It’s my round.
As I’m finding my place some girl starts talking to Liam. I can’t hear what they’re talking about but he points her in my direction and there seems to be some plan to get to the bar quickly. Now I have good bar skills and can get served in no time usually. In fact if my pick up skills were as good as my bar skills I would get laid every night. But anyway before I had the chance to show her a thing or two, she was off on her mission and we were squeezing in a place at the bar.
We then talked absolute rubbish for about five minutes. She was very drunk and we were both having a good time. Eventually she orders and she even buys us a couple of shots. It’s a large Sambuka. I like to party. I then order my drinks and the barman gets confused and puts it on her bill. I offer to pay but she’s having none of it. “It’s only ‘cus I’m drunk,” she explains, which makes perfect sense. As we pick up our drinks to leave we say our goodbyes and as we get close I notice her looking at my lips. She wants a tonguedown. She’s OK looking but not that hot. I give her a polite kiss on the lips and send her on her way. I had to give her something, all that pent up sexual energy has to go somewhere. We kiss, she smiles, she turns round.
And she drops her drink.
She doesn’t bother going back to the bar.
I’m a bit tipsy now. We talk to the Dutch girls again. They eventually have to get the last tube to their hotel. We say goodbye. Liam’s with the Chinese girls again. I chat to them briefly too. Then I decide to leave to catch the last tube. I shouldn’t have bothered as I’d missed it. I get a taxi.
There are four lessons I learned tonight:
I am totally awesome
I could have closed four girls last night if I’d been more forceful about it: the cute Chinese girl, the hot Dutch girl, the short girl in the hat and the drunk girl at the bar. I need to focus on the close more.
I kind of subconsciously or purposefully leave space for my wings to hit on the hot girl, preventing me from trying. This is silly. And probably an excuse not to get out of my comfort zone.
Picking up chicks is easy.
I have had the offer of going out sarging, my wings still text me from time to time, despite my lack of response. Which I’d like to thank them for! I’ve been making excuses. Frankly, I’ve been out enjoying myself with my friends.
It’s good for the soul. Having fun with people, enjoying their energy, them enjoying yours, can’t help but put you in a fantastic place emotionally. So often now people say I loved coming out with you guys, I had so much fun, I must get out more. Obviously it’s not just me that they’re talking about, but I know I’m part of it. It makes the ego feel great.
So I’m happier as a person, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life I can say categorically. Also I’ve been meditating properly. I was inspired by the back story of Aaron Sleazy, who mentioned that one of the things that was the basis of his rapid success was the fact that he practiced mediation to the point where he could sit for an hour without a thought coming into his head.
Now I’ve practiced meditative arts and know and put into practice the concepts behind meditation, and it has served me well. And I recommend it to everyone. But to be honest I never really seriously practiced actual proper meditation on a regular basis. I have a CD that aims to generate meditative brain waves through audio stimuli which I’ve used and had some effect from. But actual, proper meditation – sitting relaxed in a room with no disturbances trying to become aware as possible of your own consciousness, everything you feel, experience and think – I’ve kinda skipped on.
Until now. I bought a couple of books by Barry Long, specifically the one where he teaches you to meditate. I’ve been doing it. It has made me more aware, more able to control my mood and my state, more comfortable, less stressed (though I still get stressed and that’s OK), more sociable, and simply happier.
I noticed when I went on my holiday to Malaysia how much more developed I was in these areas than my friend was. I’ve mentioned before that he’s an AFC and pretty negative and all that, thing is, I used to be like that too. Now I notice how big the gap is between us. And also I think subconsciously he realised that he could change too. Anyway he said it was the best holiday he had been on, he enjoyed his time with me. And of course, this could all be bullshit, I don’t know what’s going on inside his head.
This awareness also extends to comedy. I’ve always been a fan of the more intellectual brand of TV comedy, but also I am a big fan of bad taste comedy, mainly because it forces your outside of your own comfort zone. Anyway, these years of study and the increased awareness I’ve experienced recently has meant that I can now apply that comedy in an improvisational way, although I always could in the past, it just comes easier and more consistent now.
The TV shows I’m talking about are Have I Got Even More News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (the way he deals with guests is awesome, though not everyone’s cup of tea). Those are the main ones that are showing right now. And also I should mention my friends and people I meet in general that have a great and amusing sense of humour. It’s all good.
So down to specifics. I went out. It had been a busy week at work, in fact we had a campaign launch on Friday and the fact that I got to leave the office with enough time to get home, eat and come out again says how smoothly that went. One notable thing is that I slept a lot. I changed my morning routine so that I ate breakfast at work and woke up at 8, so I had a lot more time in bed. Energy levels were good. And I wasn’t stressed from the work. I remember when we had the last thing signed off, I was like, was that it? That wasn’t stressful. This shit is easy! I put it down to the meditation.
So I got changed into my standard sarging uniform. Cool shoes (Converse) a nice shirt that fits me well, necklaces, everything matching. I reckoned I looked hot, and who’s to say I’m wrong? Oh, and I’m still going to the gym so I look pretty buff, if I do say so myself. I was feeling good, my ego was firing on all cylinders.
Took the tube to meet up with Liam. While I’m travelling I completely go into meditation, relaxing myself, thinking about nothing, chilling out, feeling good. I get to the bar just before Liam arrives, his trains have been a nightmare. We go get some drinks and do the standard catching up on our lives before sarging proper.
Warm up sets are important and while Liam goes to the loo I chat briefly to the barmaid and to the girl standing next to me. It’s just a warm up, but it’s so effective.
We get seats and catch up about stuff and talk about the usual pick up related subjects. We talking about a couple of interesting things. Liam had been reading Anthony Robbins and was talking about how much pressure to act NOW he puts in his advice. I remember reading that in the past and I find that it made me more stressful than motivated. Having said that, I don’t think it’s bad, it’s just that you need to act now from a place of calm and relaxation. You can push yourself too hard sometimes.
Another thing was how beneficial it was to read old field reports. You see that you’re often better at things than you remember or think you are. Which is so true. Reading the edited highlights of the last six fields reports always makes me think that I’m a pimp, haha. But it’s true, focussing on the successes makes it feel much easier to achieve. And you also notice patterns. Liam mentioned that he noticed that he kept on failing to do warm up sets. Yes, they are important.
I’m two drinks down and in a party mood. We go to Big Chill. Liam notices two Asian girls and is thinking about opening them. I think it’s a warm up set (every set is a warm up set). Rather than thinking about how to open them I know that I just need to speak to them to make them realise how awesome I am. I like to break PUA doctrine as often as I can because it makes you more flexible. I thought I’d open by tapping them on the shoulder from behind. Totally weird.
So I tapped the girl on the shoulder and she turned round. The first thing that popped into my head was, “My friend wants to talk to you.”
“What does he want to say?” she asked. I waved Liam over and explained the situation.
“Is my friend harassing you?” was his response, which was absolutely hilarious. However Liam later told me that he was really pissed off that I did this as he thought it made him look bad. Luckily the girls didn’t think so and we got talking to them.
I was immediately coming out with the funnies and having a laugh but I noticed that Liam was still a bit low energy so I backed off a bit as he had noticed the set and he’s got rice fever bad so it felt right to do that. We kinda chatted and swapped around a bit. There was one cute one and one unattractive one, but a nice girl all the same.
We were having fun and the girls were enjoying themselves. The cute one at one point tells me that I must be very confident to just start talking to someone like that. I hadn’t thought about it and I realised and explained that it was my belief that everyone is the same really and that everyone is cool, it’s just that you haven’t met them yet. As I said it I realised that that was honestly how I felt, and yeah I will admit that there are that 1% or less of people who aren’t worth spending time with, but they’re much rarer that you might think. But it’s true, the evidence is there to support it in my life. I’ve made loads of friends over the years and I don’t keep in regular contact with most of them. But when I do meet up with them it’s like we only last met yesterday. And then new people arrive in my life and I get to know them too.
I notice a hot short girl in a hat walks past and gives me the eye big time. Hmm.
I can’t remember how it ends but I think either they or we go to the bar to get a drink. Liam harangues me about my opener and I apologise. Liam spots another set of two girls, again one hot and one ugly. Liam thinks about opening. There’s a shady looking guy standing right next to them thinking about talking to them too. It was a race between him and Liam. I encourage him to open and eventually he does. The other guy instantly walks away, it was funny to watch.
I give Liam a bit of time to settle into the set before coming to join him. Turns out the girls are Dutch and unfortunately only over here for the weekend. But we have a good chat anyway. The hot one is a very hot, young looking, tall, blonde, blue eyed, slim, nice breasts, pretty piece of Dutch glory. Thinking about it now I can’t remember why I didn’t try to close her in some form. The Netherlands aren’t that far away. This is actually my lesson for the night. More on that later.
The same routine as with the Chinese girls happens. We talk, have fun, swap, then Liam ejects by going to the bar. It’s my round.
As I’m finding my place some girl starts talking to Liam. I can’t hear what they’re talking about but he points her in my direction and there seems to be some plan to get to the bar quickly. Now I have good bar skills and can get served in no time usually. In fact if my pick up skills were as good as my bar skills I would get laid every night. But anyway before I had the chance to show her a thing or two, she was off on her mission and we were squeezing in a place at the bar.
We then talked absolute rubbish for about five minutes. She was very drunk and we were both having a good time. Eventually she orders and she even buys us a couple of shots. It’s a large Sambuka. I like to party. I then order my drinks and the barman gets confused and puts it on her bill. I offer to pay but she’s having none of it. “It’s only ‘cus I’m drunk,” she explains, which makes perfect sense. As we pick up our drinks to leave we say our goodbyes and as we get close I notice her looking at my lips. She wants a tonguedown. She’s OK looking but not that hot. I give her a polite kiss on the lips and send her on her way. I had to give her something, all that pent up sexual energy has to go somewhere. We kiss, she smiles, she turns round.
And she drops her drink.
She doesn’t bother going back to the bar.
I’m a bit tipsy now. We talk to the Dutch girls again. They eventually have to get the last tube to their hotel. We say goodbye. Liam’s with the Chinese girls again. I chat to them briefly too. Then I decide to leave to catch the last tube. I shouldn’t have bothered as I’d missed it. I get a taxi.
There are four lessons I learned tonight:
I am totally awesome
I could have closed four girls last night if I’d been more forceful about it: the cute Chinese girl, the hot Dutch girl, the short girl in the hat and the drunk girl at the bar. I need to focus on the close more.
I kind of subconsciously or purposefully leave space for my wings to hit on the hot girl, preventing me from trying. This is silly. And probably an excuse not to get out of my comfort zone.
Picking up chicks is easy.
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